Monday, November 28, 2011

Ultrasound Today

First I wanted to say Thank you to all the kind words everyone has said.  It has been very much appreciated.  I haven't responded to anyone, I have been avoiding the computer as much as I can actually.  But it really does mean a lot to me.

This post will have some TMI stuff about bleeding and whatnot.  Just a heads up.

Well, this sucks.  I have an appointment today that I have been looking forward to for two weeks.  Today is the day I have my ultrasound that was supposed to be my live baby check.  Instead it is my ultrasound to see if my dead baby is still inside me.  I'm not sure if the OB office knows that I am losing the baby or not.  I know because of a trip to the ER.  So, what do you say to the ultrasound tech if she thinks you are there for happier things?  Um, I know we were here to check for viability, but I can tell you right now, there is no viability, so you don't have to worry about sparing my feelings?

Shit. 

Anyhow, here is some of the TMI.  Ok, so the bleeding.  See, the husband and I had relations on Tuesday night.  Around 3 am I saw a little spotting.  I thought ok, this can happen, spotting can happen after sex, no worries.  And I went back to sleep.  Then I woke up in the morning to a bit more blood, but it was brownish.  It had some pink streaks, but mostly brown.  I was a bit more worried, but you know what they always tell you, brown blood is old blood and not so worrisome.  I had to go to work, and work a 9 hour shift, on my feet, but I let my managers know I was bleeding, so they let me do the easiest job they could, and had me pretty much in front of a register only.

By the end of Wednesday, the bleeding had slowed down.  At times there was no blood.  I thought, ok, every time I've miscarried, the blood has been heavy, red, and HEAVY.  Nothing like this.  So, I told myself that I was probably over reacting.  I went to bed, because I had a long shift starting in the morning on Thanksgiving.

I woke up on Thursday, went to the bathroom, and found red blood.  Not enough to get on my panties, but enough that it was there when I wiped.  That worried me.  I went to work, my managers asked how I was doing, I started crying, they sent me home to rest.  They were quite worried about me.  I went home, and the bleeding continued.  My husband asked me to go the the ER, just to get checked out, since my OB wouldn't be in until Monday anyhow.  So, off I went, by myself.  I was hoping for a quick ultrasound, and to be sent on my way being told I was silly but no more sex.

They were busy at the ER, but they took my blood and had me wait.  When the doctor came in, he let me know that they wouldn't do an ultrasound, because my levels were too low for them to see anything.  He was going to do a pelvic to see if my cervix was closed.  My levels were at 518.  I was over 7 weeks.  This was not good.  He thought I was wrong in my dates, maybe I was only 4 weeks.  I said no way, that almost two weeks before I had normal levels for my 6 weeks of pregnancy.  My hcg was dropping.  He didn't come back for almost an hour and a half, during which time I cried and sobbed and just wanted to go home.  I did not think a pelvic was necessary.

When he finally came back, he insisted on the pelvic, and was quite rough in performing it.  It caused a ton of pain.  He also insisted on testing me for chlamydia.  He told me my cervix was closed and all he saw was some old dried blood.  He then sent me home with paperwork about a missed  miscarriage and told me to expect to have to have a D&C.

I ran by my work, told them that I was losing the baby, and that I could not work on Monday as scheduled, not with the ultrasound being that day, no way could I go look at my dead baby or empty womb and then come in and be nice to people, and they said no worries.  One of my managers cried.  I went home, shook my head at the husband, and put on a happy face for my kids.  It was Thanksgiving after all.

The rest of that day the bleeding got heavier and heavier.  Then it stopped again.  It still didn't get heavy enough to wear a pad.  I went shopping black Friday.  Got all my presents bought.  Took a xanax, since I no longer had to worry about pregnancy and what it would do to the baby.

Friday the blood got heavy and red.  I wasn't soaking pads, but it was showing up on them.  The pain got bad.  I cursed the ER doctor for not giving me anything.  This is my 6th loss, and its the first time no one has given me anything for it.  I sent an email to my regular dr, and he sent in something for me for the weekend.  Its not as good as vicodin, but it is keeping the pain down a little.  The bleeding came and went all weekend, sometimes heavy, sometimes so little blood I wondered if maybe the dr was wrong.

Then yesterday I had to work again, and after work, the bleeding got worse.  I passed a couple of tiny clots, but nothing big enough to be "products of conception".  After dinner, the bleeding had pretty much stopped again.  The husband told me to take a pregnancy test, because we were told with my numbers at 518 on Thursday, by Sunday my levels should be really low.  We got a dark line second line.

What sucks is I still have my pregnancy symptoms.  All of them.  I don't feel like I have lost the baby.  I keep telling Hope to go the F away, but she is sitting there, whispering in my ear that maybe I won't see a dead baby at the ultrasound today.  I know better than to believe her, but she is there, persistent.

I don't want to do today.  I will  update when I get home.

5 comments:

Chickenpig said...

I'm so sorry. I wish that hoping didn't hurt so much. :(

not undecided said...

I am so sorry. I hate hope too sometimes. Please keep us updated. You will be in my thoughts - there's nothing I can say to make this suck any less, but please know you're not alone.

jhl said...

Here from LFCA. I am so, so sorry ... sending you my thoughts, and hoping that you can be kind to yourself right now, and that there are people who will be kind to you. *hug*

Heather said...

I am so sorry. I keep thinking of you because we got preg at similar times.. but I wish things hadn't ended like this. And it makes it worse when doctors don't give you the courtesy you need.

Crystal Bernard said...

Hi.. Crystal from LFCA & The Redhead Files. I lost my little Bean on Nov 9th at 10 weeks. Only my 2nd loss. It effing sucks. I can't imagine what you've been through so many times. I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I really have no other words, except to say that my heart understands...