New address

http://nolongerbrokenmaybe.wordpress.com/2011/12/31/newaddress/

Its going to be going through remodeling and such while I work out the kinks, but its there.

Thinking of moving

I'm thinking about moving from here to a wordpress account.  I like the idea of going somewhere where I can password protect some posts while keeping some open.  I haven't finished looking into it though.

So.  I saw a new OB.  He is willing to do early ultrasound so we can make sure things look like they are going normal instead of just assuming they are like the last one.  He is all about frequent appointments.  Because I have had 2 live births, unless I continue to miscarry over and over, he doesn't want to do a lot of expensive testing.  He seems really caring.  He is the dr that caught something was wrong with my amniotic fluid and the girlchilds growth and put me on monitoring during her pregnancy when my dr was out of town, so I already knew I liked him.  I hadn't seen him or his nurse since I was pregnant with her, but they remembered me.  So that was nice.

My period started on the day after the day after Christmas.  I was glad it didn't start on Christmas.  It would have sucked, miscarry on Thanksgiving, be reminded by period showing up on Christmas.  So, at least my body was not that rude.  The doctor would like me to wait this month out and start trying next month.  I'm ok with that.  And now that my body is back to working, I am more ok with that.

I feel in limbo.

New Doctor

So, I am going to call another doctor's clinic tomorrow, since I am now out of two clinics, since one is headed by the doctor I am/was seeing now, but since I still haven't heard back even after leaving multiple messages, and since he still wants to treat me like a normal OB patient, and really is showing no interest in why this miscarriage happened, so I don't want him.  Oh, and I called the clinic I was with when I had the girlchild, and they won't let me see a different doctor there, even though it has been almost three years since I saw the doctor that didn't make it to the delivery of the girlchild.

So, if I am able to get with a different doctor, and I have been told a good one at one of the two remaining clinics in town, what should I ask him?  What should I say?  We thought we knew what the problem was, and I have no clue why I miscarried this time.  I took my progesterone.  I want to fight to make sure that they don't just say ok, come in at 8 weeks and we will go from there.  I want someone who cares enough to try to make me have a successful pregnancy.

I really miss the doctor I had when I had the boychild.  I hadn't had him for any of the miscarriages, I was trying to get in to see him when I had the miscarriage before the boychild, and even though I was new to him, he started all the testing, and put me on progesterone, just in case I got pregnant while we were trying to figure out why I was miscarrying, and boom, I got pregnant, and stayed pregnant, with the boychild.  Which was a first for me, obviously.  But he never treated me like a normal OB patient just because I was new to him.  He is in Idaho though.  I need to find a doctor like that.

I hate doctors

So I haven't gotten the results of my blood draw yet, the doctors office just hasn't called me back.  I have been calling since Tuesday with the response that the nurse will call me back.  Needless to say, I'm finding a new doctor.

The doctor I want is in the same office as the doctor that delivered my daughter, or would have, had she shown up.  She was late to all my appointments, no wonder she was late to my delivery.  Even though she induced me.  I really don't want her, so I called the office and asked if I could make an appointment with another doctor in their clinic.  They have to OK it with management and my prior doctor.  Since she wouldn't let me switch when I was pregnant, she won't let me switch now.  So, I need to look at another clinic. 

One thing that pisses me off about the doctor I was seeing this time is that nothing was even said about why this might have happened.  He didn't even seem curious.  It was more, ok, you lost the baby, lets make sure its all gone, then have a couple cycles and try again.  Wouldn't you think since I have lost 6 that there would be some concern as to why it happened?  Especially since I was on the progesterone?  And no real mention of treating the next pregnancy any different than this one, which I was already unhappy about.



I want to yell at him, I am not some normal OB patient.  This is not a one time thing, this miscarriage.  It has happened before.  It will probably happen again.  I am no longer an optimist when I get pregnant.

Sigh.

I had to avoid yelling at this girl I really like at work yesterday.  She told me that obviously it wasn't time yet for me to have another baby, God had grand plans, but we don't know what they are, and that when the time is right, I will have a full term pregnancy. 

I am thinking, what the hell.  One, we are friends outside of work.  She knows my belief system does not include the Christian God, not do I think that miscarriages are part of any gods plan.  I do not think that they are anything but BIOLOGY gone wrong.  That being said, even if I did believe in her God, why would any god want you to get pregnant and then lose it?  What the hell kind of plan is that?  On top of that, hello, it wasn't the right time for me to have a baby?  But it was the right time for me to lose one??  Why?  Some grand lesson?  Sorry, learned it the first 5 times, didn't need the refresher course. 

Sigh.

I want to do a post on this contest that Creating Motherhood is doing, because she is giving away a $500 gift card, and I need to be able to get to Portl.and to see my family for Christmas, but I am not going to have the money to be able to.  That $500 would help and then some, as well as allowing me to buy presents for my aunts kids, since they are going to be having a pretty crappy Christmas.  Money was already going to be tight, they cut my hours to less than 6 a week when I had to go see my aunt before her surgery, and I lost two days at work due to the miscarriage already, Thanksgiving when I started bleeding really heavy, and Monday when I didn't want to work after seeing either an empty womb or a dead baby, and I asked for it off on Thursday, when we really weren't sure what was going to happen.  So, Christmas is going to be hard.  But, I don't want to be blogging about loss, and miscarriage, and then suddenly have this post in the middle about this giveaway, trying to pimp it out to give myself a chance to win money.  So, I mentioned it here, but I didn't blog it, so I won't add the links and I won't ask for the 10 extra entries.

I hate the holidays.

3:1

I realized last night that I have a 3:1 ratio of miscarriages to live births.  It's better than a ratio that has no live births but it still sucks.

My best friends niece is in the hospital having her baby.  I'm just ever so slightly jealous.  One of my coworkers is in her 7th month of pregnancy.  I had to work next to her my last shift.  I had such a hard time not crying every time I looked at her belly.  Another coworker finds out what she is having next month.  There was three of us pregnant.  There are still three people pregnant, as one of my bosses announced her pregnancy on Sunday.  She is due at the end of July, so the same month I was, just the opposite end.  She will be going through all the milestones at the same time as I was supposed to.  I actually gave her my leftover pregnancy tests one I had my positive.  I asked for any she has left back.

I am thinking about talking to my mental health doctor about something short term for depression and anxiety with the miscarriage and the holidays all crashing on me at the same time.  I'm not sure what I would ask for though.  Because I want to get pregnant again in the next couple of months, I don't want to start my bipolar medicine again.

The doctor said I could get pregnant after a cycle or two.  He said that it didn't really matter if I got pregnant right away or not, that waiting was just so that we would have a better idea for dating the pregnancy.  I actually want to wait until January/February anyhow, because I had the girlchild in August, and I got pregnant in December, and I would really like her to not have to share her birthday.  So, I am going to hold off, even though it is hard.

Sorry if I have repeated things.  I realized after writing that I am not sure what I have written before during this, and I didn't want to go back and reread my past posts.

Once again, I want to say thank you for everyones kind words.

Empty Uterus

No visible baby in my uterus.  There may still be something in there, since I haven't passed any large clots.  They had me get another blood test, so that we can see if my HCG is going down.  If it isn't lower than 300, then he wants to check my tubes again I guess, even though they seemed fine in the ultrasound today.  Otherwise it will be a D&C.  He is worried about the lack of clots, and the fact that I haven't really passed anything.

Then wait a month or two and start trying again.

And he gave me Vic.od.in.

Ultrasound Today

First I wanted to say Thank you to all the kind words everyone has said.  It has been very much appreciated.  I haven't responded to anyone, I have been avoiding the computer as much as I can actually.  But it really does mean a lot to me.

This post will have some TMI stuff about bleeding and whatnot.  Just a heads up.

Well, this sucks.  I have an appointment today that I have been looking forward to for two weeks.  Today is the day I have my ultrasound that was supposed to be my live baby check.  Instead it is my ultrasound to see if my dead baby is still inside me.  I'm not sure if the OB office knows that I am losing the baby or not.  I know because of a trip to the ER.  So, what do you say to the ultrasound tech if she thinks you are there for happier things?  Um, I know we were here to check for viability, but I can tell you right now, there is no viability, so you don't have to worry about sparing my feelings?

Shit. 

Anyhow, here is some of the TMI.  Ok, so the bleeding.  See, the husband and I had relations on Tuesday night.  Around 3 am I saw a little spotting.  I thought ok, this can happen, spotting can happen after sex, no worries.  And I went back to sleep.  Then I woke up in the morning to a bit more blood, but it was brownish.  It had some pink streaks, but mostly brown.  I was a bit more worried, but you know what they always tell you, brown blood is old blood and not so worrisome.  I had to go to work, and work a 9 hour shift, on my feet, but I let my managers know I was bleeding, so they let me do the easiest job they could, and had me pretty much in front of a register only.

By the end of Wednesday, the bleeding had slowed down.  At times there was no blood.  I thought, ok, every time I've miscarried, the blood has been heavy, red, and HEAVY.  Nothing like this.  So, I told myself that I was probably over reacting.  I went to bed, because I had a long shift starting in the morning on Thanksgiving.

I woke up on Thursday, went to the bathroom, and found red blood.  Not enough to get on my panties, but enough that it was there when I wiped.  That worried me.  I went to work, my managers asked how I was doing, I started crying, they sent me home to rest.  They were quite worried about me.  I went home, and the bleeding continued.  My husband asked me to go the the ER, just to get checked out, since my OB wouldn't be in until Monday anyhow.  So, off I went, by myself.  I was hoping for a quick ultrasound, and to be sent on my way being told I was silly but no more sex.

They were busy at the ER, but they took my blood and had me wait.  When the doctor came in, he let me know that they wouldn't do an ultrasound, because my levels were too low for them to see anything.  He was going to do a pelvic to see if my cervix was closed.  My levels were at 518.  I was over 7 weeks.  This was not good.  He thought I was wrong in my dates, maybe I was only 4 weeks.  I said no way, that almost two weeks before I had normal levels for my 6 weeks of pregnancy.  My hcg was dropping.  He didn't come back for almost an hour and a half, during which time I cried and sobbed and just wanted to go home.  I did not think a pelvic was necessary.

When he finally came back, he insisted on the pelvic, and was quite rough in performing it.  It caused a ton of pain.  He also insisted on testing me for chlamydia.  He told me my cervix was closed and all he saw was some old dried blood.  He then sent me home with paperwork about a missed  miscarriage and told me to expect to have to have a D&C.

I ran by my work, told them that I was losing the baby, and that I could not work on Monday as scheduled, not with the ultrasound being that day, no way could I go look at my dead baby or empty womb and then come in and be nice to people, and they said no worries.  One of my managers cried.  I went home, shook my head at the husband, and put on a happy face for my kids.  It was Thanksgiving after all.

The rest of that day the bleeding got heavier and heavier.  Then it stopped again.  It still didn't get heavy enough to wear a pad.  I went shopping black Friday.  Got all my presents bought.  Took a xanax, since I no longer had to worry about pregnancy and what it would do to the baby.

Friday the blood got heavy and red.  I wasn't soaking pads, but it was showing up on them.  The pain got bad.  I cursed the ER doctor for not giving me anything.  This is my 6th loss, and its the first time no one has given me anything for it.  I sent an email to my regular dr, and he sent in something for me for the weekend.  Its not as good as vicodin, but it is keeping the pain down a little.  The bleeding came and went all weekend, sometimes heavy, sometimes so little blood I wondered if maybe the dr was wrong.

Then yesterday I had to work again, and after work, the bleeding got worse.  I passed a couple of tiny clots, but nothing big enough to be "products of conception".  After dinner, the bleeding had pretty much stopped again.  The husband told me to take a pregnancy test, because we were told with my numbers at 518 on Thursday, by Sunday my levels should be really low.  We got a dark line second line.

What sucks is I still have my pregnancy symptoms.  All of them.  I don't feel like I have lost the baby.  I keep telling Hope to go the F away, but she is sitting there, whispering in my ear that maybe I won't see a dead baby at the ultrasound today.  I know better than to believe her, but she is there, persistent.

I don't want to do today.  I will  update when I get home.

Things I hate

• People who tell me that the miscarriage is God's will.  one, I am not Christian.  This bothers me when people who don't know me say it to me, but those who know me, and have known me for a while, they know I am not Christian, and therefor should not tell me that it is God's will.  One of my best friends tried this with me, but she said, maybe this was your God's will.  Maybe your God or Goddess didn't think it was the right time.  I'm like, seriously??  One, who's God would make you pregnant, and then take it away, because they thought you weren't ready?  Two, when people tell me that God did it because there was something wrong with the baby, I want to say, no, that is nature, that is biology, that is just what HAPPENS.
• People who tell me that this is a good thing, because something was obviously wrong with the baby, and I wouldn't want to have to take care of a disabled child would I?  Seriously, that doesn't make things better.
• People who tell me, at least you know you can get pregnant.  Yeah, that is not so reassuring.  Yup, I can get pregnant, then my body kills my baby, and I get to watch it bleed out into the toilet and go flush.  Yup, reassuring.
• People who tell me that it was obviously not the right time.  If it wasn't the right time, why did I get pregnant??  Why the heck would I get pregnant, and then lose it??  If it wasn't the right time, then wouldn't I have just not gotten pregnant?
• People who tell me that I already have kids, so I shouldn't worry about it, and that it's really not that bad.  I am still losing my baby.  It hurts, a lot, emotionally.  No, it is not as bad as it was before I had the kids, but it is still absolutely horrible.
• And this one, last but not least, is not about people.  It is about pads.  They move, they don't stay, I still bleed everywhere, and I frigging hate the fact that I can't use a tampon like I do with a period.  I have never been a fan of pads.  

I think that is it.  I finally got pain medication from my doctor, and I am starting to feel a little loopy.  Which is ok, at least I am not in pain anymore.  And loopy is better than being a crying mess.

It's over

Well, I went into the ER today to see if I could get any kind of reassurance that things were ok, and instead I got the response that my HCG was 518.  Which is too low for almost 8 weeks.  He did a cervix check, and my cervix is still closed.  He refused to do an ultrasound.  Since my HCG is dropping, its over.  That is really all there is to it.  I will call the dr tomorrow and try to get in, otherwise on Monday we will have the ultrasound and who knows what it will show, except for a live baby, we know that won't show up.  I'm not sure if its the progesterone that is keeping me from full blown miscarriage or what.  I've never had a D&C before, I always lose the baby without them, but the ER doctor said he suspected I would have to have one.

I guess I haven't suddenly become the fertile one who keeps her pregnancies. 

Heavier

The bleeding is heavier today. 

Everyone around me IRL was sure that because I had two live births under my belt, that my losses were over.  I was never sure of that.  This is why.  I have always been afraid that the losses would happen again.  While I can't wait until Monday to see if the baby is alive, at the same time, I want to rewind time to Tuesday morning, when I wasn't bleeding, where I could pretend that everything was ok.