Saturday, November 10, 2012

Password protected

I will be writing a huge post about what is going on with my no longer being with Bart, the restraining order, etc, in a password protected post.  If you want the password, email me  It will be posted at the below site.

Saturday, June 16, 2012


He admitted it happened.  They talked about having a baby, moving in together.  I feel ill.  It happened on my couch, in my car, on the front lawn of my apartment complex.  All directly under my nose.  I confronted her about it, all she cared about was if I was going to tell the family.

He admitted it because he ended it, and she threatened to tell.

I feel sick.  He has cheated before, so many times.  This time...  it was family.  That is wrong, in so many ways.

Monday, June 11, 2012



on June 12, 2012 Unsure of what to do…
blaming myself thou i know i shouldn’t.
trying to keep myself together
to stay strong for those around me.
knowing the truth of how i feel
scared that his feeling may be temporarily there
will he soon change his mind?
Or can we make this work?
What can I say to make him happy?
How can I make things right?
where do i stand?
I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff
one step can throw me over
or his words can save me
but i should be saving him
i cant make this decision alone
but scare to say the words
to tell him what i need
feeling this way makes me guilty
just want to concentrate on him
to help him mend
no decision to be made
i cant mess this up

Seriously??  Cousin, you are 18 years old…  you have been staying at my house…  under my roof, eating my food.  And…  you write this about him??  And I know it is about him, because I have been watching you watch him, follow him, cuddle with him, rub against him.  Little did the two of you know that the neighbors around here like me, and would tell me that he has been feeling you up.  Little did you know that I am not the stupid person you thought I was that I would not know.  And then you post that on FB.  The day after I tell him its over.  WTF???
You weren’t the sole reason I left, but the many like you, that pass through his life like water…
I deserve happiness.  I will have it.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

New address

Its going to be going through remodeling and such while I work out the kinks, but its there.

Thinking of moving

I'm thinking about moving from here to a wordpress account.  I like the idea of going somewhere where I can password protect some posts while keeping some open.  I haven't finished looking into it though.

So.  I saw a new OB.  He is willing to do early ultrasound so we can make sure things look like they are going normal instead of just assuming they are like the last one.  He is all about frequent appointments.  Because I have had 2 live births, unless I continue to miscarry over and over, he doesn't want to do a lot of expensive testing.  He seems really caring.  He is the dr that caught something was wrong with my amniotic fluid and the girlchilds growth and put me on monitoring during her pregnancy when my dr was out of town, so I already knew I liked him.  I hadn't seen him or his nurse since I was pregnant with her, but they remembered me.  So that was nice.

My period started on the day after the day after Christmas.  I was glad it didn't start on Christmas.  It would have sucked, miscarry on Thanksgiving, be reminded by period showing up on Christmas.  So, at least my body was not that rude.  The doctor would like me to wait this month out and start trying next month.  I'm ok with that.  And now that my body is back to working, I am more ok with that.

I feel in limbo.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

New Doctor

So, I am going to call another doctor's clinic tomorrow, since I am now out of two clinics, since one is headed by the doctor I am/was seeing now, but since I still haven't heard back even after leaving multiple messages, and since he still wants to treat me like a normal OB patient, and really is showing no interest in why this miscarriage happened, so I don't want him.  Oh, and I called the clinic I was with when I had the girlchild, and they won't let me see a different doctor there, even though it has been almost three years since I saw the doctor that didn't make it to the delivery of the girlchild.

So, if I am able to get with a different doctor, and I have been told a good one at one of the two remaining clinics in town, what should I ask him?  What should I say?  We thought we knew what the problem was, and I have no clue why I miscarried this time.  I took my progesterone.  I want to fight to make sure that they don't just say ok, come in at 8 weeks and we will go from there.  I want someone who cares enough to try to make me have a successful pregnancy.

I really miss the doctor I had when I had the boychild.  I hadn't had him for any of the miscarriages, I was trying to get in to see him when I had the miscarriage before the boychild, and even though I was new to him, he started all the testing, and put me on progesterone, just in case I got pregnant while we were trying to figure out why I was miscarrying, and boom, I got pregnant, and stayed pregnant, with the boychild.  Which was a first for me, obviously.  But he never treated me like a normal OB patient just because I was new to him.  He is in Idaho though.  I need to find a doctor like that.

Thursday, December 01, 2011

I hate doctors

So I haven't gotten the results of my blood draw yet, the doctors office just hasn't called me back.  I have been calling since Tuesday with the response that the nurse will call me back.  Needless to say, I'm finding a new doctor.

The doctor I want is in the same office as the doctor that delivered my daughter, or would have, had she shown up.  She was late to all my appointments, no wonder she was late to my delivery.  Even though she induced me.  I really don't want her, so I called the office and asked if I could make an appointment with another doctor in their clinic.  They have to OK it with management and my prior doctor.  Since she wouldn't let me switch when I was pregnant, she won't let me switch now.  So, I need to look at another clinic. 

One thing that pisses me off about the doctor I was seeing this time is that nothing was even said about why this might have happened.  He didn't even seem curious.  It was more, ok, you lost the baby, lets make sure its all gone, then have a couple cycles and try again.  Wouldn't you think since I have lost 6 that there would be some concern as to why it happened?  Especially since I was on the progesterone?  And no real mention of treating the next pregnancy any different than this one, which I was already unhappy about.

I want to yell at him, I am not some normal OB patient.  This is not a one time thing, this miscarriage.  It has happened before.  It will probably happen again.  I am no longer an optimist when I get pregnant.


I had to avoid yelling at this girl I really like at work yesterday.  She told me that obviously it wasn't time yet for me to have another baby, God had grand plans, but we don't know what they are, and that when the time is right, I will have a full term pregnancy. 

I am thinking, what the hell.  One, we are friends outside of work.  She knows my belief system does not include the Christian God, not do I think that miscarriages are part of any gods plan.  I do not think that they are anything but BIOLOGY gone wrong.  That being said, even if I did believe in her God, why would any god want you to get pregnant and then lose it?  What the hell kind of plan is that?  On top of that, hello, it wasn't the right time for me to have a baby?  But it was the right time for me to lose one??  Why?  Some grand lesson?  Sorry, learned it the first 5 times, didn't need the refresher course. 


I want to do a post on this contest that Creating Motherhood is doing, because she is giving away a $500 gift card, and I need to be able to get to Portl.and to see my family for Christmas, but I am not going to have the money to be able to.  That $500 would help and then some, as well as allowing me to buy presents for my aunts kids, since they are going to be having a pretty crappy Christmas.  Money was already going to be tight, they cut my hours to less than 6 a week when I had to go see my aunt before her surgery, and I lost two days at work due to the miscarriage already, Thanksgiving when I started bleeding really heavy, and Monday when I didn't want to work after seeing either an empty womb or a dead baby, and I asked for it off on Thursday, when we really weren't sure what was going to happen.  So, Christmas is going to be hard.  But, I don't want to be blogging about loss, and miscarriage, and then suddenly have this post in the middle about this giveaway, trying to pimp it out to give myself a chance to win money.  So, I mentioned it here, but I didn't blog it, so I won't add the links and I won't ask for the 10 extra entries.

I hate the holidays.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


I realized last night that I have a 3:1 ratio of miscarriages to live births.  It's better than a ratio that has no live births but it still sucks.

My best friends niece is in the hospital having her baby.  I'm just ever so slightly jealous.  One of my coworkers is in her 7th month of pregnancy.  I had to work next to her my last shift.  I had such a hard time not crying every time I looked at her belly.  Another coworker finds out what she is having next month.  There was three of us pregnant.  There are still three people pregnant, as one of my bosses announced her pregnancy on Sunday.  She is due at the end of July, so the same month I was, just the opposite end.  She will be going through all the milestones at the same time as I was supposed to.  I actually gave her my leftover pregnancy tests one I had my positive.  I asked for any she has left back.

I am thinking about talking to my mental health doctor about something short term for depression and anxiety with the miscarriage and the holidays all crashing on me at the same time.  I'm not sure what I would ask for though.  Because I want to get pregnant again in the next couple of months, I don't want to start my bipolar medicine again.

The doctor said I could get pregnant after a cycle or two.  He said that it didn't really matter if I got pregnant right away or not, that waiting was just so that we would have a better idea for dating the pregnancy.  I actually want to wait until January/February anyhow, because I had the girlchild in August, and I got pregnant in December, and I would really like her to not have to share her birthday.  So, I am going to hold off, even though it is hard.

Sorry if I have repeated things.  I realized after writing that I am not sure what I have written before during this, and I didn't want to go back and reread my past posts.

Once again, I want to say thank you for everyones kind words.