Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I feel alone

I had a great idea, to buy diapers and unisex clothes, when I get my school money.  We get money only at the beginning of each term, so if I bought things when we had our first influx of money, I could stock up and have things ready when I got pregnant and had a baby.  This way I wouldn't have to worry about not having things, and I wouldn't feel like I was depending on others for my baby stuff.  I told my mom this, she who complains the most about buying baby clothes and diapers, and yet when I am not around, she spends hundreds on her grandkids, because she loves dressing them.  She shot me down, hard.  She told me that I was jinxing myself, buying stuff early, before I even got pregnant, making sure that I would either not get pregnant or I would miscarry.  No support there.  She supports me trying to get pregnant, trying to build my family.  I understand her fear, she actually feels so superstitious of buying stuff because she bought an outfit for the pregnancy before the boychild, on Mother's Day, all excited that she was the first person to buy the baby an outfit, feeling safe because we had had 2 ultrasounds with a live baby, with a heartbeat, and the doctor told me that he was positive he would be delivering a baby.  I miscarried June 8th of that year.  She is sure that she jinxed it by buying clothes.  She didn't buy clothes for the boychild or the girlchild until I was in the 3rd trimester, and told me I wasn't allowed to either.

My husband.  He is sure that our family is complete.  He says that while he has no problem with me trying to get pregnant, he doesn't think it will happen.  He says that he is pretty sure that I will not have another successful pregnancy.  He has told other people this as well.  I'm not to worried about this, actually, because he is always making comments like this.  When we got married, he was sure we would be together forever.  He told me that he could see us as a cute old couple, rocking in rocking chairs on the porch.  When I found out about the other woman, he told me that he always knew we wouldn't be together forever, that he just never wanted to tell me, and that he knew that this woman was his life, she was his soulmate, he had never known anyone he connected with more.  That he knew he was going to be with her forever, and even though they were both married, him to me, and her to her husband, that they were going to work around it, they would both get divorced, and they would be together forever.  He just knew it.  Then when we got divorced, and she ended it, because she didn't want to get divorced, she wanted to keep her family together, and he came back, crawling, wanting to work things out, he told me he knew almost right away after I found out about her that it wouldn't work with her, but he was too embarrassed to come back to me then, blah blah blah, which I didn't believe, because he only came back to me after she left him, almost a year later.  Yeah, I know, this story does not make sense for why I am back with him.  Trust me, if you don't remember, or didn't hear the story, I didn't take him back until after Ciera had been born, and even then, it was the January after she had been born.  I didn't just get pregnant with a big fat oops and say, oh well, I'll just let go of everything he ever did, I made him work for it, I made him prove himself.  But, the point of this is that he may say he doesn't see me getting pregnant, he doesn't see our family as growing, but since he is not keeping his sperm away from my eggs, and he doesn't have a good track record for "what he sees" in his or our future, I don't set much by him.

This leaves my best friend.  Who is positive that I will get pregnant easily, and that there will be no problems with it, because I have had 2 children now.  It is nice to at least have one person in my life in my corner.

I hope to prove the husband and my mom wrong.  I am not ready to be done.  I am not done growing my family.


Cinderella said...

It's hard to feel alone when you want everyone to be in your corner and cheering for you. My empathy.

I hope when you get pregnant that you carry to full term, have a healthy, happy baby and everything goes well.

Wicked Delights said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brokenornot said...

Thank you (I keep having to delete my first comments. That's the problem with having two blogs, one anonymous, mostly, and one not.)

Jessica said...

You have at least 2 people in your corner...Love ya.

Cinderella11pm said...

Hope all is well. Happy Sunday to you:)