Saturday, October 29, 2011

Feeding the addiction

Last time I was running the infertility race, I saw other bloggers buying bulk pregnancy tests, just the little strips, at really low prices.  I thought, that is the way to go.  Then, I got pregnant, and kept the pregnancy, and didn't have to buy them.  Then, when I got pregnant with the girl child, it was totally on accident, completely unexpected, and I bought the first test that I could get my hands on, not too sure I even wanted to be pregnant.  Actually, I was pretty sure I didn't.  I'm glad now, but then, I wasn't so sure.

Now, it is taking longer to get pregnant than I expected.  I ran the infertility race as a very fertile infertile.  The first time I got pregnant was less than 2 months trying.  I lost that pregnancy fast, at about 8 weeks.  The next time I tried to get pregnant, I got pregnant within 2 months again, and again lost the pregnancy fast, we actually think it was a chemical pregnancy, one you would not have noticed had you not been trying.  Then it took me a year to get pregnant again, even with trying, alot.  I think that was because of the birth control I was on before that point.  That pregnancy ended fast as well, resulting in a blighted ovum.

I took some time off after that pregnancy, had gastric bypass, hated everyone I saw who was pregnant while I waited for my weight to stabilize, to get healthy.  I watched my brother get his part time girlfriend pregnant at 17/18.  Watched her grow in pregnancy.  Hated her.  Soon after my nephew was born, I couldn't stand it.  I got my IUD removed and started trying again.  I was pregnant within 2 months, again.  I saw a heartbeat, which was a first.  I told everyone I was pregnant, including my stepkids.  Everyone was excited.  I started bleeding.  I saw the baby again.  It was moving, heartbeat strong.  I had a SBH, kind of a blood clot thing, that could have been causing the bleeding.  The bad news, though, was that the pregnancy was doomed anyhow.  The amniotic sac was not growing, and the baby was outgrowing its living space.  I lost that pregnancy on the exact date of my first miscarriage, just years later.  It was also the birthday of my eldest stepson.  Hard day.  I became a blogger with the loss of that pregnancy, after reading Julie.  She had had the not big enough amniotic sac happen to her.  I saw that there were others out there, going through this, and I felt a sense of belonging, here I wasn't alone.

I didn't belong for long.  I got pregnant again a few months later.  I had a few tests by that time, the start of trying to figure out what was going on, why I wasn't staying pregnant.  My doctor figured why not try progesterone anyhow, before doing all the tests.  I stayed pregnant.  My boy was born. 

I went through a divorce, and I wasn't careful in my birth control.  I wanted another baby, and I didn't care if the guy I was dating ended up a dad, even though he had no plans for it.  I didn't get pregnant, and I am ok with that.  Then, the exhusband and I had a one night stand type thing, one night in December, and the girlchild was created.  Without trying.  This wasn't the pregnancy I wanted, I already knew we weren't working out (see what I knew, since we have been back together since, practically, once I was done being pissed.)

This went a lot longer than I planned.  My fingers couldn't stop typing.  I know this is a story I have told before, a million times.  Everytime I tell it, I start to cry.  I hated those days.  I am afraid that I will end up there again.  Even having two kids now under my belt, that pain still sits in my heart, and I have yet to give it up.

Anyhow, the point of this post wasn't at all what it ended up being.  When I started this post, it was to say I bought my first bulk package of pregnancy tests.  I bought 50 of them.  This will feed my pee on a stick addiction, and since this is taking longer than usual, it should be a bit more cost effective.  Once you put in the cost of shipping, the tests cost me about $0.30 a test.  That is better than I can get anywhere else.  I have a bad feeling about this month too, since during the week that I should have been working towards that elusive double line, I was dealing with my aunt.  Before that, I was sick, and unhappy, and working on completely detoxing off of the vico.din that I had been taking for way too long, on doctors orders, and not in the mood, at all, no matter how much I wanted to get pregnant.

Even though I don't think this is the month, you know I will be peeing on sticks until I start to bleed.  And the tests will get here 2 days before that expected day, so it is perfect.  I won't feel so much like I am tossing money down the drain.  And, I was able to afford to buy them because I found the money to fix my bank problem, and I sold my two male guinea pigs for $50, which was exactly what I was trying to do for a while, since the first time I got rid of them, they ended up coming back.  I am hoping they don't come back this time, and I issue no refunds.  The first time I didn't make the people pay.  Now, if I can only sell the girls.  No one wants 4 girls though.  I need to find an extra cage and sell them in batches of 2, then I will get double the money, and probably get rid of them easier.

So, long post.  Made me cry.  Got my writing back flowing, so maybe I can do my WR123 homework, since I have major writers block when it comes to my assignments this week, except for writing the interview questions for my final paper, which will be on embryo donation.

Oh, and I missed my progesterone test, because it was to be done on the 23rd day, and I was living in the land of puking children.  So no clo.mid next month, which has me extremely depressed.  I tell myself it's ok, that I don't want to get pregnant until January/February, so that I can have an October baby, instead of another summer baby.  :)


Jessica said...

Am I why you missed your test? Sorry. =(

Brokenornot said...

No hun, the girlchild and the husband were both sick and we had all been up all night, so we didn't make it. I wasn't sure if I was sick or not either. Things just conspired against taking it, since we couldn't do it here in town.