Saturday, August 13, 2011

Before and After

When I first found myself not staying pregnant, becoming a person who wasn't going to be a mom easily, I really found myself wanting to be a mom.  It consumed me, the need to be pregnant, to stay pregnant, to give birth to a little baby.  I noticed other moms and got jealous.  I watched other bloggers, and got jealous.  Then I got pregnant.  And it stuck.  And I had the joy of feeling movement, the joy of giving birth.  And then I did it again.

Now, I find that I am actually more eager now to get pregnant, because now I have memories of what being pregnant is, of how it feels.  And instead of having something to imagine that I had never felt, now I had something real, something I knew.  So now, with all the other bits about getting pregnant, will it work, will it stick, I find myself more than ready to feel a baby inside of me, to give birth.

It may sound strange, but knowing it, it now makes the want even worse.


Cinderella said...

Hello and good Sunday morning to you, dear cyber-friend in the making:)

Good to find this blog here - I will add it to my links, if that is okay with you :)

Knowing of coourse makes the want worse. You know what you are missing. If you never felt it, there is an ache, but not as deep.

Unless of course you're dealing with infertility issues and then I hear the wanting is all consuming.

I don't know if this will be useful for you - and I will share it anyway because I suspect in its time it may be.

I used to believe I'd just been hurt too much in life, that I just didn't have the resiliency anymore to cope with any more deep pain, that I was too fragile and broken, and my spirit was surviving but just barely.

Then one day, I realized that I just wasn't committed to being a broken person anymore.

I wasn't willing to live in the belief system that I had in the past, that I allowed hurt in my life and felt helpless about it. (whether it be from my parents or from men).

I vowed that I just didn't want to hurt anymore - and I would do whatever it took to get love myself and feel secure.
It's been three years now, and there have abeen a few steps back, but the steps forward are tremendous.

I never knew it was possible to get so healthy or to be so strong and respect myself so much. I never knew it was possible to have such contentment.

Just wanted to share this because I wish it for you as well. You may already be there, and if not - my gut says you will when you are ready, also commit to not being broken anymore:)

Cinderella said...

Uhhhm, this may be embarrasing, but I may have mistaken you for someone else on my blog!
I am sorry, because if I was mistaken, you would have thought my earlier comment was totoally irrelevant!

Many good wishes for you on becoming pregant and having a healthy, happy baby:)

Cinderella said...

Sending you sincere best wishes that you get pregnant easily and are able to keep the baby until he or she is full term, and then it is an uncomplicated easy birth of a healthy baby:)