No Longer Broken

New address

2011-12-31T09:43:00.001-08:00

http://nolongerbrokenmaybe.wordpress.com/2011/12/31/newaddress/

Its going to be going through remodeling and such while I work out the kinks, but its there.

Thinking of moving

2011-12-31T08:50:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about moving from here to a wordpress account. I like the idea of going somewhere where I can password protect some posts while keeping some open. I haven't finished looking into it though.

So. I saw a new OB. He is willing to do early ultrasound so we can make sure things look like they are going normal instead of just assuming they are like the last one. He is all about frequent appointments. Because I have had 2 live births, unless I continue to miscarry over and over, he doesn't want to do a lot of expensive testing. He seems really caring. He is the dr that caught something was wrong with my amniotic fluid and the girlchilds growth and put me on monitoring during her pregnancy when my dr was out of town, so I already knew I liked him. I hadn't seen him or his nurse since I was pregnant with her, but they remembered me. So that was nice.

My period started on the day after the day after Christmas. I was glad it didn't start on Christmas. It would have sucked, miscarry on Thanksgiving, be reminded by period showing up on Christmas. So, at least my body was not that rude. The doctor would like me to wait this month out and start trying next month. I'm ok with that. And now that my body is back to working, I am more ok with that.

I feel in limbo.

New Doctor

2011-12-04T20:30:00.000-08:00

So, I am going to call another doctor's clinic tomorrow, since I am now out of two clinics, since one is headed by the doctor I am/was seeing now, but since I still haven't heard back even after leaving multiple messages, and since he still wants to treat me like a normal OB patient, and really is showing no interest in why this miscarriage happened, so I don't want him. Oh, and I called the clinic I was with when I had the girlchild, and they won't let me see a different doctor there, even though it has been almost three years since I saw the doctor that didn't make it to the delivery of the girlchild.

So, if I am able to get with a different doctor, and I have been told a good one at one of the two remaining clinics in town, what should I ask him? What should I say? We thought we knew what the problem was, and I have no clue why I miscarried this time. I took my progesterone. I want to fight to make sure that they don't just say ok, come in at 8 weeks and we will go from there. I want someone who cares enough to try to make me have a successful pregnancy.

I really miss the doctor I had when I had the boychild. I hadn't had him for any of the miscarriages, I was trying to get in to see him when I had the miscarriage before the boychild, and even though I was new to him, he started all the testing, and put me on progesterone, just in case I got pregnant while we were trying to figure out why I was miscarrying, and boom, I got pregnant, and stayed pregnant, with the boychild. Which was a first for me, obviously. But he never treated me like a normal OB patient just because I was new to him. He is in Idaho though. I need to find a doctor like that.

I hate doctors

2011-12-01T11:34:00.000-08:00

So I haven't gotten the results of my blood draw yet, the doctors office just hasn't called me back. I have been calling since Tuesday with the response that the nurse will call me back. Needless to say, I'm finding a new doctor.

The doctor I want is in the same office as the doctor that delivered my daughter, or would have, had she shown up. She was late to all my appointments, no wonder she was late to my delivery. Even though she induced me. I really don't want her, so I called the office and asked if I could make an appointment with another doctor in their clinic. They have to OK it with management and my prior doctor. Since she wouldn't let me switch when I was pregnant, she won't let me switch now. So, I need to look at another clinic.

One thing that pisses me off about the doctor I was seeing this time is that nothing was even said about why this might have happened. He didn't even seem curious. It was more, ok, you lost the baby, lets make sure its all gone, then have a couple cycles and try again. Wouldn't you think since I have lost 6 that there would be some concern as to why it happened? Especially since I was on the progesterone? And no real mention of treating the next pregnancy any different than this one, which I was already unhappy about.

I want to yell at him, I am not some normal OB patient. This is not a one time thing, this miscarriage. It has happened before. It will probably happen again. I am no longer an optimist when I get pregnant.

Sigh.

I had to avoid yelling at this girl I really like at work yesterday. She told me that obviously it wasn't time yet for me to have another baby, God had grand plans, but we don't know what they are, and that when the time is right, I will have a full term pregnancy.

I am thinking, what the hell. One, we are friends outside of work. She knows my belief system does not include the Christian God, not do I think that miscarriages are part of any gods plan. I do not think that they are anything but BIOLOGY gone wrong. That being said, even if I did believe in her God, why would any god want you to get pregnant and then lose it? What the hell kind of plan is that? On top of that, hello, it wasn't the right time for me to have a baby? But it was the right time for me to lose one?? Why? Some grand lesson? Sorry, learned it the first 5 times, didn't need the refresher course.

Sigh.

I want to do a post on this contest that Creating Motherhood is doing, because she is giving away a $500 gift card, and I need to be able to get to Portl.and to see my family for Christmas, but I am not going to have the money to be able to. That $500 would help and then some, as well as allowing me to buy presents for my aunts kids, since they are going to be having a pretty crappy Christmas. Money was already going to be tight, they cut my hours to less than 6 a week when I had to go see my aunt before her surgery, and I lost two days at work due to the miscarriage already, Thanksgiving when I started bleeding really heavy, and Monday when I didn't want to work after seeing either an empty womb or a dead baby, and I asked for it off on Thursday, when we really weren't sure what was going to happen. So, Christmas is going to be hard. But, I don't want to be blogging about loss, and miscarriage, and then suddenly have this post in the middle about this giveaway, trying to pimp it out to give myself a chance to win money. So, I mentioned it here, but I didn't blog it, so I won't add the links and I won't ask for the 10 extra entries.

I hate the holidays.

3:1

2011-11-29T10:00:00.000-08:00

I realized last night that I have a 3:1 ratio of miscarriages to live births. It's better than a ratio that has no live births but it still sucks.

My best friends niece is in the hospital having her baby. I'm just ever so slightly jealous. One of my coworkers is in her 7th month of pregnancy. I had to work next to her my last shift. I had such a hard time not crying every time I looked at her belly. Another coworker finds out what she is having next month. There was three of us pregnant. There are still three people pregnant, as one of my bosses announced her pregnancy on Sunday. She is due at the end of July, so the same month I was, just the opposite end. She will be going through all the milestones at the same time as I was supposed to. I actually gave her my leftover pregnancy tests one I had my positive. I asked for any she has left back.

I am thinking about talking to my mental health doctor about something short term for depression and anxiety with the miscarriage and the holidays all crashing on me at the same time. I'm not sure what I would ask for though. Because I want to get pregnant again in the next couple of months, I don't want to start my bipolar medicine again.

The doctor said I could get pregnant after a cycle or two. He said that it didn't really matter if I got pregnant right away or not, that waiting was just so that we would have a better idea for dating the pregnancy. I actually want to wait until January/February anyhow, because I had the girlchild in August, and I got pregnant in December, and I would really like her to not have to share her birthday. So, I am going to hold off, even though it is hard.

Sorry if I have repeated things. I realized after writing that I am not sure what I have written before during this, and I didn't want to go back and reread my past posts.

Once again, I want to say thank you for everyones kind words.

Empty Uterus

2011-11-28T12:56:00.000-08:00

No visible baby in my uterus. There may still be something in there, since I haven't passed any large clots. They had me get another blood test, so that we can see if my HCG is going down. If it isn't lower than 300, then he wants to check my tubes again I guess, even though they seemed fine in the ultrasound today. Otherwise it will be a D&C. He is worried about the lack of clots, and the fact that I haven't really passed anything.

Then wait a month or two and start trying again.

And he gave me Vic.od.in.

Ultrasound Today

2011-11-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

First I wanted to say Thank you to all the kind words everyone has said. It has been very much appreciated. I haven't responded to anyone, I have been avoiding the computer as much as I can actually. But it really does mean a lot to me.

This post will have some TMI stuff about bleeding and whatnot. Just a heads up.

Well, this sucks. I have an appointment today that I have been looking forward to for two weeks. Today is the day I have my ultrasound that was supposed to be my live baby check. Instead it is my ultrasound to see if my dead baby is still inside me. I'm not sure if the OB office knows that I am losing the baby or not. I know because of a trip to the ER. So, what do you say to the ultrasound tech if she thinks you are there for happier things? Um, I know we were here to check for viability, but I can tell you right now, there is no viability, so you don't have to worry about sparing my feelings?

Shit.

Anyhow, here is some of the TMI. Ok, so the bleeding. See, the husband and I had relations on Tuesday night. Around 3 am I saw a little spotting. I thought ok, this can happen, spotting can happen after sex, no worries. And I went back to sleep. Then I woke up in the morning to a bit more blood, but it was brownish. It had some pink streaks, but mostly brown. I was a bit more worried, but you know what they always tell you, brown blood is old blood and not so worrisome. I had to go to work, and work a 9 hour shift, on my feet, but I let my managers know I was bleeding, so they let me do the easiest job they could, and had me pretty much in front of a register only.

By the end of Wednesday, the bleeding had slowed down. At times there was no blood. I thought, ok, every time I've miscarried, the blood has been heavy, red, and HEAVY. Nothing like this. So, I told myself that I was probably over reacting. I went to bed, because I had a long shift starting in the morning on Thanksgiving.

I woke up on Thursday, went to the bathroom, and found red blood. Not enough to get on my panties, but enough that it was there when I wiped. That worried me. I went to work, my managers asked how I was doing, I started crying, they sent me home to rest. They were quite worried about me. I went home, and the bleeding continued. My husband asked me to go the the ER, just to get checked out, since my OB wouldn't be in until Monday anyhow. So, off I went, by myself. I was hoping for a quick ultrasound, and to be sent on my way being told I was silly but no more sex.

They were busy at the ER, but they took my blood and had me wait. When the doctor came in, he let me know that they wouldn't do an ultrasound, because my levels were too low for them to see anything. He was going to do a pelvic to see if my cervix was closed. My levels were at 518. I was over 7 weeks. This was not good. He thought I was wrong in my dates, maybe I was only 4 weeks. I said no way, that almost two weeks before I had normal levels for my 6 weeks of pregnancy. My hcg was dropping. He didn't come back for almost an hour and a half, during which time I cried and sobbed and just wanted to go home. I did not think a pelvic was necessary.

When he finally came back, he insisted on the pelvic, and was quite rough in performing it. It caused a ton of pain. He also insisted on testing me for chlamydia. He told me my cervix was closed and all he saw was some old dried blood. He then sent me home with paperwork about a missed miscarriage and told me to expect to have to have a D&C.

I ran by my work, told them that I was losing the baby, and that I could not work on Monday as scheduled, not with the ultrasound being that day, no way could I go look at my dead baby or empty womb and then come in and be nice to people, and they said no worries. One of my managers cried. I went home, shook my head at the husband, and put on a happy face for my kids. It was Thanksgiving after all.

The rest of that day the bleeding got heavier and heavier. Then it stopped again. It still didn't get heavy enough to wear a pad. I went shopping black Friday. Got all my presents bought. Took a xanax, since I no longer had to worry about pregnancy and what it would do to the baby.

Friday the blood got heavy and red. I wasn't soaking pads, but it was showing up on them. The pain got bad. I cursed the ER doctor for not giving me anything. This is my 6th loss, and its the first time no one has given me anything for it. I sent an email to my regular dr, and he sent in something for me for the weekend. Its not as good as vicodin, but it is keeping the pain down a little. The bleeding came and went all weekend, sometimes heavy, sometimes so little blood I wondered if maybe the dr was wrong.

Then yesterday I had to work again, and after work, the bleeding got worse. I passed a couple of tiny clots, but nothing big enough to be "products of conception". After dinner, the bleeding had pretty much stopped again. The husband told me to take a pregnancy test, because we were told with my numbers at 518 on Thursday, by Sunday my levels should be really low. We got a dark line second line.

What sucks is I still have my pregnancy symptoms. All of them. I don't feel like I have lost the baby. I keep telling Hope to go the F away, but she is sitting there, whispering in my ear that maybe I won't see a dead baby at the ultrasound today. I know better than to believe her, but she is there, persistent.

I don't want to do today. I will update when I get home.

Things I hate

2011-11-25T20:19:00.000-08:00

People who tell me that the miscarriage is God's will. one, I am not Christian. This bothers me when people who don't know me say it to me, but those who know me, and have known me for a while, they know I am not Christian, and therefor should not tell me that it is God's will. One of my best friends tried this with me, but she said, maybe this was your God's will. Maybe your God or Goddess didn't think it was the right time. I'm like, seriously?? One, who's God would make you pregnant, and then take it away, because they thought you weren't ready? Two, when people tell me that God did it because there was something wrong with the baby, I want to say, no, that is nature, that is biology, that is just what HAPPENS.
People who tell me that this is a good thing, because something was obviously wrong with the baby, and I wouldn't want to have to take care of a disabled child would I? Seriously, that doesn't make things better.
People who tell me, at least you know you can get pregnant. Yeah, that is not so reassuring. Yup, I can get pregnant, then my body kills my baby, and I get to watch it bleed out into the toilet and go flush. Yup, reassuring.
People who tell me that it was obviously not the right time. If it wasn't the right time, why did I get pregnant?? Why the heck would I get pregnant, and then lose it?? If it wasn't the right time, then wouldn't I have just not gotten pregnant?
People who tell me that I already have kids, so I shouldn't worry about it, and that it's really not that bad. I am still losing my baby. It hurts, a lot, emotionally. No, it is not as bad as it was before I had the kids, but it is still absolutely horrible.
And this one, last but not least, is not about people. It is about pads. They move, they don't stay, I still bleed everywhere, and I frigging hate the fact that I can't use a tampon like I do with a period. I have never been a fan of pads.

I think that is it. I finally got pain medication from my doctor, and I am starting to feel a little loopy. Which is ok, at least I am not in pain anymore. And loopy is better than being a crying mess.

It's over

2011-11-24T16:10:00.000-08:00

Well, I went into the ER today to see if I could get any kind of reassurance that things were ok, and instead I got the response that my HCG was 518. Which is too low for almost 8 weeks. He did a cervix check, and my cervix is still closed. He refused to do an ultrasound. Since my HCG is dropping, its over. That is really all there is to it. I will call the dr tomorrow and try to get in, otherwise on Monday we will have the ultrasound and who knows what it will show, except for a live baby, we know that won't show up. I'm not sure if its the progesterone that is keeping me from full blown miscarriage or what. I've never had a D&C before, I always lose the baby without them, but the ER doctor said he suspected I would have to have one.

I guess I haven't suddenly become the fertile one who keeps her pregnancies.

Heavier

2011-11-24T06:41:00.000-08:00

The bleeding is heavier today.

Everyone around me IRL was sure that because I had two live births under my belt, that my losses were over. I was never sure of that. This is why. I have always been afraid that the losses would happen again. While I can't wait until Monday to see if the baby is alive, at the same time, I want to rewind time to Tuesday morning, when I wasn't bleeding, where I could pretend that everything was ok.

red

2011-11-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

And there is blood. It's light, but it is there. When I wipe. I can't call the doctor and go in today, because I have to work a 9 hour shift. Then tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I may be able to get in on Friday, but they may just make me wait until my ultrasound appointment on Monday.

I'm Scared.

Selfish

2011-11-19T15:20:00.000-08:00

So, I've mentioned my aunt in dying of cancer. Because of this, my mom is spending all her time with my aunt and not coming here to visit me or the kids at all. I understand, I get it. She has maybe a year to live, so why not make the most of every moment.

This will be my first Thanksgiving without family around other than the husband and kids, and that will be sad, but since the last few Thanksgivings have sucked, and beyond, I am actually more than a little relieved. Last year my mom and stepfather showed up at almost 8pm on Thanksgiving, which had me delaying the meal over and over, and when they did show up, they showed up fighting, which was a miserable experience. The year before that my mom got in a car accident on her way here, totaling her car. She walked away from it, but needless to say, having to get her, and everything else, really delayed Thanksgiving, and the rest of the weekend was spent worrying about her car and how to get it. Years past beyond that remind me of why I started hosting Thanksgiving at my house, like the year before my son was born, when we showed up a day early to surprise my mom, and my stepfather kicked us out and threatened to call the cops if we didn't get out fast enough. My mom was at work when he did it. I was 25 at the time, and wow, that was my last straw for having someone else hold Thanksgiving. It seems that every year something goes wrong, and maybe this year will be pleasant. I have to work, but not for very long, just until 2pm, which gives me plenty of time to finish what needs to be done, like cooking. Since I am cooking for just us, we don't have to worry about the whole big hullabaloo. My mom will be going to my aunt's house, and while she is angry with me for not going, not only do I have to work, but me, and the kids, have been sick, and I will not bring us around my aunt, especially since she just had her first chemo, and that is just asking for trouble. My mom has been running a 103 temperature, but she still plans on going. She figures the virus will be totally gone by next week.

Christmas. I am expected to be there at my aunts for Christmas. I don't want to go, but unless my kids are sick, I am required. Christmas is another holiday I have started hosting at my house, because it is yet another holiday where things go wrong. If we go to my aunt's, which we have done before, I will be ignored. I always am. I can be talking to someone, and they will either walk away, start talking to someone else, or someone will talk over me like I am not talking. My aunt (not the one dying, another who will be there) told my mom that she would have seen her more when I was a teenager, had I not been around. If I am in the car with my mom and aunts, I am in the backseat, and they will turn the music on in the back so that I cannot be a participant. If my mom is visiting me and my aunts call, she will act like I don't exist, even if we are out to dinner. I don't want to spend Christmas feeling ignored and like I don't exist. My mom told me to stop being selfish and show up, because she would never forgive me. If I have no choice, I will be there Christmas Eve and then go home, that night, to have Christmas morning at home, with my family.

So, that leaves my birthday, which comes 2 weeks after Christmas. This is the first time that my mom will be with me and my kids, and have it not be about my aunt. Except, I just got done talking to my mom, and she wants to bring my aunt to the coast for my birthday. That we have been planning since 6 months ago. That is supposed to be about me. When I told her I don't want my aunt to go with us, that this is my birthday, about me, and I don't feel like being ignored for it, my mom let me know I was being selfish and hung up the phone. I think that I should be allowed to be selfish on my birthday. It is my day. I have a whole weekend planned that includes camping in yurts at the coast with my family and my best friend and her kids. My mom wanted to join us, and got a yurt too. It was her choice, and now she wants to make it into a special trip for my aunt to see the coast again before she dies. Why can't she get her own weekend to go to the coast? It is not that expensive to rent the yurts, but they might actually prefer a hotel. They can go anytime, why my birthday? Why am I selfish for not wanting to give up my day?

Yes, I am being selfish. I don't care. I want to scream and stomp my feet that this is MY DAY. Last year my mom talked me into going to see my aunts, they all live in the same town, and letting them partake in my birthday. They all said, hey, lets go to dinner. Then my oldest aunt let her son pick the restaurant, one I hate, and once we got in and sat down, everyone sat leaving the husband me and the kids at the far end of the table, next to all the kids. Happy birthday to me. No one but my husband talked to me, and once again, I didn't exist. I have a right to want to not go through that again. Don't I?

So, is it wrong to be selfish and want to have your birthday be about you, even when a family member is dying?

Dislike

2011-11-15T10:27:00.000-08:00

So, I had my OB appointment yesterday. It went like this:

He walked in, shook my hand, asked how I was. i told him I was fine, scared that there wasn't a live baby in me, and that I really needed reassurance.

He asked if I was bleeding, I said no.

He ran down the list of pregnancy symptoms, after saying he figured I knew them all, then said ok, we will do an ultrasound in two weeks, see you then, and walked out.

That was it.

So, no reassurance.

Most surprising, I didn't have to drop my pants. I've never had a dr not at least check during the first OB appointment. And I have had 8 first appointments from pregnancy.

The husband keeps telling me to stop stressing and just assume that the baby is fine.

I say I have had more losses than live births. I am not ready to just believe again.

Sick

2011-11-11T15:58:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I have the flu. I am running a fever, and feel like death warmed over. Still pregnant though. I see the doctor on Monday, and hopefully I can talk him into a sneak peek into my uterus to make sure things are alive in there. The husband thinks that everything should be fine since I had successful pregnancies the last two times, but I still think about the uterus of death from before that. I haven't been able to relax. He's telling the world though.

I've chosen to take a really low dose of the medicine to sleep, it's been ok'd by my mental health and my OB, but I've also chosen not to take the bipolar medicine. While the mental health doctor put me on what is considered the safest for pregnancy bipolar medicine, and the OB said it was ok, it has a risk of cleft palate in the first trimester, and I won't risk that. After the 1st trimester we can revisit it.

My aunt has made it through the first round of chemo and we'll hear from the doctor next week.

Still testing, still positive

2011-11-07T07:56:00.000-08:00

Other than my lack of bleeding (YAY) and my positive tests, and my super sore breasts, I don't have any other pregnancy symptoms. I am taking the progesterone now, so that makes me feel better.

I shared my pregnancy tests with one of my bosses at work, since I didn't need all 50. Next thing I knew, everyone knew I was pregnant, and another boss asked me for tests too. Luckily pretty much everyone I work with knows that this isn't a guarantee. I keep thinking, ok, the last two pregnancies worked, so I am going to figure this one will. I refuse to think otherwise.

Time is dragging though.

I can't sleep. At all. And if I do go to sleep at night, I am up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep again. Problem here is that I stopped taking my bipolar medicine, because I didn't want to take it pregnant, and I stopped taking my sleeping medicine, because I am not sure if it is safe right now either. I see my mental health doctor this morning, and I am going to ask him about it, because right now, I am going to go crazy without sleep. And I don't see my OB for a week. I also think I have a UTI, so I am going to see if today's doctor will test for that too. He is a normal doctor at our clinic, but he is also head of the medical mental health here in town as well.

I also have a ton of blood tests that I am having done today. Just to make sure my vitamin levels are good, like I do every six months, since I had my gastric bypass. I am wondering what they will do if I have to have iron transfusions again.

Darker

2011-11-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

The line is getting darker on the tests which is good, or so I like to think.

I have my first appointment on the 14th. They are treating me like a normal OB patient, kind of, they are seeing me on the early end of when this doctor normally sees his OB patients for the first time. Of course, there have been many phone calls, and I start the progesterone right away. Part of me is scared to be using a new doctor, instead of the doctor I used last time, but I really didn't like her office practices. Waiting times to see her were normally over an hour, after your appointment time. Aside from the fact that she didn't believe me when I said I was in labor in the hospital, told the nurses no pain medication for an hour, and then because she was sure I wasn't in labor, didn't make it to the girlchilds birth. Yeah, I had her 29 minutes after they talked to the dr. But she did give me as many ultrasounds as I wanted.

Which I am hoping this new doctor will.

So, that is where we are.

I want to be normal

2011-11-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

I want to be that person who announces a pregnancy before the pee dries on the test, to more than just you guys.

I want to be the one who is happy and excited, and doesn't know the things that can go wrong.

I want to be the girl who doesn't examine the toilet paper for blood every time she goes to the bathroom.

THERE IS A LINE!!!

2011-11-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

Actually, there are two!!!!!

I haven't even gotten my 50 tests in the mail yet, but there are two freaking lines on the cheapy dollar store test. It is a faint ass line, but it is there!!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One negative, more positive (includes kid pictures)

2011-10-31T23:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, lets get my negative over with fast. My mother has yet to call to talk to me since Friday. She hasn't tried to talk to my kids, her grandkids, since the day before my aunt had surgery. Who does that? Who forgets everyone that matters to the exclusion of one person? She says that we will all be here while my aunt won't, but the kids won't be this age forever. Today was Halloween, and they were so excited about trick or treating. They would have loved to talk to my mom. She doesn't answer her phone if I call, she keeps it off so it doesn't disturb my aunt. I feel very unimportant. I hope that I never make my kids feel that way, no matter what is going on in my life.

Ok, on to the good part. Pictures. The kids were Darth Vader and Strawberry Shortcake. The Strawberry Shortcake costume didn't come with a wig, but I did buy her a wig for her birthday to go with her Ariel costume, and we tossed that under her hat for her costume, and she looked AWESOME!!

So, pictures.

I love these kids more than anything else in the world, and I hope they know it everyday.

Today is also Samhain, which to people of my faith, is the New Year. So, Happy New Year.

"Between the heavens and the earth
The way now opens to bring forth
The Hosts of those who went on before;
Hail! We see them now come through the Open Door.

Now the veils of worlds are thin;
To move out you must move in.
Let the Balefires now be made,
Mine the spark within them laid.

Move beyond the fiery screen,
Between the seen and the unseen;
Shed your anger and your fear,
Live anew in a new year!"
- Lore of the Door

"The symbolism of this Sabbat is that of The Third (and final) Harvest, it marks the end of Summer, the beginning of Winter. It is a time marked by death when the Dead are honored - a time to celebrate and "study" the Dark Mysteries. "Samhain" means "End of Summer". Its historical origin is The Feast of the Dead in Celtic lands. It is believed that on this night, the veil Between the Worlds is at its thinnest point, making this an excellent time to communicate with the Other Side. Symbols for representing this Sabbat may include Jack-O-Lanterns, Balefires, Masks, The Besom (Magickal Broom), The Cauldron, and the Waning Moon. Altar decorations might include small jack-o-lanterns, foods from the harvest, and photographs of your loved ones who have departed from this world. Appropriate Deities for Samhain include all Crone Goddesses, and the Dying God or the "Dead" God. Samhain Goddesses include Hecate, Hel, Inanna, Macha, Mari, Psyche, Ishtar, Lilith, The Morrigu/Morrigan, Rhiannon, and Cerridwen. Key actions to keep in mind during this time in the Wheel of the Year include return, change, reflection, endings and beginnings, and honoring the Dead. Other meanings behind this Sabbat celebration include the Wisdom of the Crone, the Death of the God, and the Celebration of Reincarnation."

Feeding the addiction

2011-10-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

Last time I was running the infertility race, I saw other bloggers buying bulk pregnancy tests, just the little strips, at really low prices. I thought, that is the way to go. Then, I got pregnant, and kept the pregnancy, and didn't have to buy them. Then, when I got pregnant with the girl child, it was totally on accident, completely unexpected, and I bought the first test that I could get my hands on, not too sure I even wanted to be pregnant. Actually, I was pretty sure I didn't. I'm glad now, but then, I wasn't so sure.

Now, it is taking longer to get pregnant than I expected. I ran the infertility race as a very fertile infertile. The first time I got pregnant was less than 2 months trying. I lost that pregnancy fast, at about 8 weeks. The next time I tried to get pregnant, I got pregnant within 2 months again, and again lost the pregnancy fast, we actually think it was a chemical pregnancy, one you would not have noticed had you not been trying. Then it took me a year to get pregnant again, even with trying, alot. I think that was because of the birth control I was on before that point. That pregnancy ended fast as well, resulting in a blighted ovum.

I took some time off after that pregnancy, had gastric bypass, hated everyone I saw who was pregnant while I waited for my weight to stabilize, to get healthy. I watched my brother get his part time girlfriend pregnant at 17/18. Watched her grow in pregnancy. Hated her. Soon after my nephew was born, I couldn't stand it. I got my IUD removed and started trying again. I was pregnant within 2 months, again. I saw a heartbeat, which was a first. I told everyone I was pregnant, including my stepkids. Everyone was excited. I started bleeding. I saw the baby again. It was moving, heartbeat strong. I had a SBH, kind of a blood clot thing, that could have been causing the bleeding. The bad news, though, was that the pregnancy was doomed anyhow. The amniotic sac was not growing, and the baby was outgrowing its living space. I lost that pregnancy on the exact date of my first miscarriage, just years later. It was also the birthday of my eldest stepson. Hard day. I became a blogger with the loss of that pregnancy, after reading Julie. She had had the not big enough amniotic sac happen to her. I saw that there were others out there, going through this, and I felt a sense of belonging, here I wasn't alone.

I didn't belong for long. I got pregnant again a few months later. I had a few tests by that time, the start of trying to figure out what was going on, why I wasn't staying pregnant. My doctor figured why not try progesterone anyhow, before doing all the tests. I stayed pregnant. My boy was born.

I went through a divorce, and I wasn't careful in my birth control. I wanted another baby, and I didn't care if the guy I was dating ended up a dad, even though he had no plans for it. I didn't get pregnant, and I am ok with that. Then, the exhusband and I had a one night stand type thing, one night in December, and the girlchild was created. Without trying. This wasn't the pregnancy I wanted, I already knew we weren't working out (see what I knew, since we have been back together since, practically, once I was done being pissed.)

This went a lot longer than I planned. My fingers couldn't stop typing. I know this is a story I have told before, a million times. Everytime I tell it, I start to cry. I hated those days. I am afraid that I will end up there again. Even having two kids now under my belt, that pain still sits in my heart, and I have yet to give it up.

Anyhow, the point of this post wasn't at all what it ended up being. When I started this post, it was to say I bought my first bulk package of pregnancy tests. I bought 50 of them. This will feed my pee on a stick addiction, and since this is taking longer than usual, it should be a bit more cost effective. Once you put in the cost of shipping, the tests cost me about $0.30 a test. That is better than I can get anywhere else. I have a bad feeling about this month too, since during the week that I should have been working towards that elusive double line, I was dealing with my aunt. Before that, I was sick, and unhappy, and working on completely detoxing off of the vico.din that I had been taking for way too long, on doctors orders, and not in the mood, at all, no matter how much I wanted to get pregnant.

Even though I don't think this is the month, you know I will be peeing on sticks until I start to bleed. And the tests will get here 2 days before that expected day, so it is perfect. I won't feel so much like I am tossing money down the drain. And, I was able to afford to buy them because I found the money to fix my bank problem, and I sold my two male guinea pigs for $50, which was exactly what I was trying to do for a while, since the first time I got rid of them, they ended up coming back. I am hoping they don't come back this time, and I issue no refunds. The first time I didn't make the people pay. Now, if I can only sell the girls. No one wants 4 girls though. I need to find an extra cage and sell them in batches of 2, then I will get double the money, and probably get rid of them easier.

So, long post. Made me cry. Got my writing back flowing, so maybe I can do my WR123 homework, since I have major writers block when it comes to my assignments this week, except for writing the interview questions for my final paper, which will be on embryo donation.

Oh, and I missed my progesterone test, because it was to be done on the 23rd day, and I was living in the land of puking children. So no clo.mid next month, which has me extremely depressed. I tell myself it's ok, that I don't want to get pregnant until January/February, so that I can have an October baby, instead of another summer baby. :)

Oh yeah

2011-10-26T23:00:00.000-07:00

Oh, and the boychild threw up everywhere on Friday while we were gone, the babysitter had to deal with it. Then on Monday night the girlchild got sick and threw up all night. Then my husband got sick. Then my babysitter got sick. I have not made it to school this week, due to everyone having the stomach flu.

The husbands exwife and mother of his other children had gastric bypass a couple of weeks ago. She ended up with complications, and was airlifted to the hospital and put into emergency surgery last night. She has peritonitis. She has never been one to follow rules, and I have a bad feeling this was caused by eating more than she should have, since that can happen. I got lucky, I had no really bad things other than dying on the table happen to me when I had my gastric bypass. So, we got hate messages and phone calls from his mother and sister this morning, because we hadn't told them. We didn't know. Then they slammed him for not going over to Idaho to get the kids. They are with their aunt, and they don't need to be ripped away and come here to Oregon. Then when we tried to actually get ahold of someone, because his exwife doesn't have a phone or a computer, and getting ahold of the kids is impossible on a good day, we ended up talking to the exwifes best friend. Who hates my husband. So she wouldn't tell my husband where his kids were, slammed him for his parenting, and just went off and off and off. We have some problems with the kids and with the exwife, the biggest being that the kids don't want to have anything to do with my husband. he tries, he calls, he goes and visits, he tries to get them to come here, nothing works. His exwife loves to make hateful comments to them about him all the time. So, when we went to Disney.land, we took his eldest son, who comes and visits us every year, calls us, etc. His other kids think we should take them. I may be cold, but I don't thing they deserve it, to be honest. They are also slamming him all the time for all the things he does with me and the kids, and how much money gets spent, even though except for trips to Disney.land, a lot of money isn't spent on our trips, but the money spent isn't taking away from his other kids, its my money that gets spent. Ok, end rant.

So, we can add that in to what is going on right now with our lives.

I'm done.

Enough?

2011-10-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

This is my hand. I have 2nd/3rd degree burns on my hand. Note to self and any readers, do not pick up metal handle on pan lid that has been roasting in the oven. If you do, do not feel silly going to the ER, especially if where you have burned is numb and does not hurt. It is not a good sign.

Ok, enough about me, and it really sucks typing one handed, but here goes.

My aunt has a rare, severe, and very aggressive form of cancer. It appears to have started in her lung, and there is a large tumor there, and it has moved to her liver, adrenal glands, lymph nodes, and of course, her brain. The spots they thought were MS are actually more cancer. They are going to treat it aggressively with chemo, and if successful, she may have a year to live. If they weren't going to fight it, she would have 1-4 weeks.

I haven't had my bloodwork done, it was to be done on my 23rd CD, but I wasn't able to go with what has been going on.

I will type more in 24 hours, when I get my hand back.

Family emergency

2011-10-24T19:16:00.000-07:00

Friday I got a call. It was my mom, and she said, while sobbing, "Your aunt has cancer, she has a brain tumor, she is having surgery at 1pm, she probably won't make it. She is going to die." I told her I would meet her in Port.land, where the hospital was, each of us having a 2-2.5 hour drive, right away.

I called my work, since I was supposed to be in at 3pm. You are supposed to give 8 hours notice if you can't work your shift, I was giving 6. I got yelled at by my manager that I was unreliable, that they were always covering my shifts(the only other time I called in was when I damaged my back) and that they were cutting all my hours.

I left for Port.land and found out that it wasn't cancer, it was a huge tumor, she had gone 80% blind, had MS (probably) and would survive the surgery, but would be in ICU for a while afterwards. The surgery took 7 hours, and we waited in the waiting room the whole time. Luckily my best friend was watching the kids at home for me.

The doctor came out, let us know he got most of the tumor, if not all of it, out, and that she would get better, and be fine.

Fast forward to less than an hour ago.

It is cancer. It is a very aggressive cancer. It has spread through her body, though we will find out more when they do the ct scan tomorrow. There are spots on her lungs as well. They will do chemo, but they don't know what her chances are. She could go fast. It's enough that my mom told me I didn't have to come, but I could if I felt the need.

My aunt was a late in life baby for my grandparents, and I was raised by them as well, and we were raised together like sisters. So, for me, it is like having a sister dying. Which my mom understands, which is why she had me there asap on Friday.

I told her I have school and work this week, but I would see if I could get there on Saturday. If I can come up with the gas money. Because my boss dropped my hours to less than 10 a week, and I don't know where the money is going to come from until January when school money comes in again. I have to make a meeting with the owner of the company to meet with me and the manager about this, but until then, I have barely any money coming in. The owner knows there is a problem, I showed up to get my paycheck from the main office so I would have gas to get to Port.land, and she saw me losing it completely. I explained what my boss had done. She suggested a meeting when things got better. Now I really need to do it, on the off chance I have a funeral to go to.

I am expecting her to actually survive until November. But no longer, because my family has the curse of November. My grandfather died in November, my uncle died in November, my aunt became a paraplegic in November, my husbands dad died in November. It's not a good month for us.

I am numb.

Let the testing begin

2011-10-18T23:04:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I go get my progesterone levels tested. Then we see where we are at. This is all on the road to start the clomid, since we haven't gotten pregnant yet.

Away from the normal and back on the infertility road.

Customer Service

2011-10-09T00:17:00.001-07:00

So, I ordered a Panini Press from Amazon.com. I paid a whole lot extra to have it shipped 1 day. I then found the same panini press at Costco for 30 dollars less, plus less all the cost of shipping. I thought, oh well, I like working with Amazon.com, so I wasn't going to complain, much. So, cue today and Fed Ex doesn't show up. We get ahold of Fed Ex, and they say the driver came by, but couldn't find out apartment, couldn't find any apartment higher than 9. Now, this is obviously a large complex, with 30 some apartments. Also, you have to walk past my apartment to get to apartment 9, mine being 15, and you walk past 13 and 11 as well. Also, you walk past mine to get back to the truck. The truck that we would have heard show up. The truck that would have parked almost right next to my front door, as I am the first apartment from the driveway. The FedEx truck that never actually came here. They let us know that the driver searched, yeah right, and that if we wanted our package, we would have to rush to Springfield to pick it up. So, I called Amazon.com, and canceled my order, so I will get a refund in 10-15 days, when they get the package back. I told FedEx that I was denying delivery. I also insisted on my shipping fee back. I had also paid for Amazon Prime, to help with my delivery costs, because I would rather get something if I have to pay so much for one day delivery. I made them refund me that as well, since I would not have ordered it if not for trying to get this panini press. So, Amazon was wonderful, they refunded the 80 dollars for the Amazon prime, they refunded my shipping costs, and like I said, they are going to refund my purchase price when they get it back. FedEx told me they were sorry for my issues, but that they are sure a driver wouldn't lie about showing up. I told them I would take a video from the driveway of our complex, past my apartment, to apartment 9, and then ask them to show me how the driver could have missed my apartment. So, unless a company gives me no choice, I will not use FedEx again. However, I will use Amazon.com as much as I need to. They were wonderful. Now I need to go to Costco to buy me a panini press.

Over for this month

2011-10-03T23:58:00.000-07:00

Well, my period started early this month. At least it saved me money on peeing on more sticks. I had a feeling it was coming, my nipples lost all their sensitivity today.

School starting this week. It has been rough getting back into it. Especially with how much work has been working me.

Tomorrow the husband and I are going on a date night. My mom is babysitting. It has been a really really long time since I have had a date night. It won't end the way my husband was hoping because of the whole time of the month thing, but at least we will have a good dinner and be able to watch a movie in the theater without being interrupted because someone can't sit still, stop talking, or has to go potty. We are thinking about trying a new restaurant, one we haven't tried because we don't want to take the kids in. A grown up restaurant.

So, last week I had two jobs. I hadn't started the second job yet, but I was supposed to start today. After last week, midway through the week, while looking at all my homework, and the amount of hours I was working at the other job, I realized that I couldn't do it all, and if I tried, my kids would lose. Because I would be at school or one of the two jobs. I wouldn't see the kids at all, probably not even to say goodnight, and when I would be at home, I would be fighting to try to get homework done. So, I quit the job I hadn't started yet. I felt bad, but in the long run, my kids are more important than anything else.

I have a question. It comes somewhere in the story. So, I have mentioned the problems I had with this job the last time I worked it. This time has been different, and awesome, and I have loved it. Last week I got in an argument with one of my supervisors, because I had asked for the book that we use to request time off in, and none of the managers would get it for me, and I even came in when I wasn't working to try to get it, and the manager on shift that day told me that she would just make sure I was in the book, not to worry. So I trusted her. Then when the manager who actually puts the schedule together came in, I checked to make sure I was in the book for the Saturday I needed. Because my family was throwing a party for my little brother, and I was hosting the party and making the food (the weirdo wants grilled cheese and tomato soup. I told him no limitations on what he wanted, and that was what he chose. Silly boy) and I needed the day off. She informed me I wasn't int he book, and told me too bad, too many people wanted it off, I wasn't going to get it off. I said ok, and then headed to the bathroom to control my emotions, because I get this from my mom, when I get pissed off, I cry. I can't help it, I can't seem to control it, I just cry. So, I get control, go back to work, and the manager sneers at me, and told me she couldn't believe I was crying over this. At which point I lost it, and yelled at her, yelled about how no one would get me the book, how I was told not to worry, it was taken care of, and then I started going off about the fact that they owed me still for hours that were left off my paycheck, and how no one had dealt with it yet, it had been almost a week since payday, and since I told them of the discrepancy on payday, I really figured someone would take care of it, especially since I was told that I would get a fixed check on Monday and it was already Wednesday. She told me she wasn't talking to me until I calmed down, and walked off. When we finally talked, she gave me the day off, and made sure that the paycheck thing was taken care of, and told me to come get the check the next day, Thursday. Which I agreed to come in and work, which was my day off, at 5am.

So, I worked Thursday, my day off, and then I came in after I got out of school, and no check. Now, this is the very end of the wait for our school money and what I had gotten from my check went to bills, and we were really really hurting for simple things like bread, butter, you know, the basics that you really need in order to make food. I didn't know how to keep trying to make food for the kids since I had nothing to make for them. So, the main manager of work gave me 20 dollars to pay back on Friday, when the check would be there, promise. Yay for butter.

Then, Friday, I was doing my homework, since it was my day off, and I had to have all my homework done between Saturday and Sunday night. I got called into work. I worked, and my check came in. At which point I went to my main manager in tears, again, and told him that I couldn't pay him back, as they took a little over a hundred out in taxes (WTH, right?) and I only got 8 dollars. So, he took that check back, and had it voided, and a new check issued. Which ended up being 111 dollars. Sigh. While I was working on Friday, I felt a small tug in my back muscles, and knew I was in a bit of trouble, but ignored it.

Saturday I went to my sons soccer game, which has another story about a manager, but this is ling enough as it is, so I'll leave that to another time, and then we ran into work, grabbed food for everyone, since my mom, who is here visiting, promised the kids food, and then we had to run to town. On the way back, I turned back to look at the girl child, who was sitting behind me in the car, who was mouthing words silently while she was sleeping. And my back spasmed, and then boom, I couldn't move it at all. I ended up in the ER right away, because I had to work at 4, and since I couldn't move, I didn't know how I was going to work. Now, here is a quick aside. Since I have started at this job I have covered5 shifts. I have worked almost all of my days off. I missed 1 day of work, because I was throwing up, but I showed up to work, and tried to work, because I started getting sick too late to call in by their rules. They sent me home. I have been a great worker, like I said, taking shifts, learning everything, doing what I am told, and trying to be the best employee I can. I called from the ER right away, before they had even seen me, to make sure they knew I was in trouble. I was immediately informed that if I didn't bring in a doctors note, I would be written up. Now, I know of lots of people who have either called in right before shift or even just not showed up, and I have yet to hear of anyone being written up, and this is a very gossip filled work place. I have worked the shifts of people who didn't show up. And not heard a word about them being written up, and have seen them in work later. So, to hear them threaten me was a bit of a shock. I told them no problem, I was seriously in the ER, getting a doctors not would not be a hard task. So, why do you think I was threatened with a write up? The manager who threatened me was the one I fought with about Saturday and the paycheck. I have not shown a history of being undependable, or calling in, or anything else. I have filled all shifts I have been asked to fill.

As it turned out, they didn't give me anything for the back because we didn't know if I was pregnant or not, which now I think sucks, because I'm not, and dude, I could have been in a ton less pain if we had known that already. And they also told me I couldn't go back to work for 3 days, because I had pulled a muscle, really badly. So, not only did I give my job a note, but I let them know I couldn't work for 3 days I was supposed to work. Apparently some force out there decided I needed a day off, or 3, to make up for my lack of time off. They wanted me to come work today, which was either day 2 or day three of taking off depending on whether you took Saturday into account or not. I told them no, I was seeing a chiropractor and that it still hurt.

So, do you think I should have been threatened with a write up?

I go back to work on Wednesday, and I will go back to being the best employee that I can be.

Sorry for the length, words just decided to come pouring out of me.

The manager at the soccer game, I knew didn't like me. She didn't like me last time I was there. So, she always treats me with barely hidden disgust at work. She was sitting next to me and my family at our sons soccer game on Saturday. Her boy was on the opposite team as mine. I smiled at her when I saw her, before I knew what team her boy was on, and I was getting ready to say hi, and make a bit of small talk when she, without returning the smile, turned away like I didn't exist. She ignored me the entire game. When her barely walking child toddled over to me, and I commented on him, she ignored that too. My family was all, oh, she doesn't like you much, does she. I'm like, nope, not at all. She is hell to work with too. Luckily most of the other managers like me. Except for her and the one who threatened me with writing me up. Those two managers are also the only ones who put me to work cleaning. If I work with any other manager, I am put up front, working the registers, talking to customers, learning drive through. With those two I am nothing more than the person who cleans the restaurant. When they called me in on Friday, I thought oh, they need me, this will be fine, but no, they worked me in the lobby, which was already clean, which meant I had to work hard just to keep myself looking busy. Which kind of pissed me off, because I could have been doing my homework. Yes, it now is good because I missed my hours on Saturday, Sunday and today, but at the time, all I could think of was that I wasn't exactly needed and my homework needed me, haha.

See, I have a sickness. It's a typing sickness. I am hitting publish now before I type anymore.

On a positive note-

2011-10-03T21:53:00.001-07:00

One of my friends got a positive pregnancy test today. She just got married this summer, and she wants nothing more than to be a mom. I am worried about her though, she has yet to have a successful pregnancy, and she has had several. she is waiting on her HcG results and her progesterone results. I really hope it works for her this time.

White as snow

2011-10-02T22:50:00.000-07:00

I know I said I didn't think that this month was the month, but as time has been passing by, I have been getting more and more IPS (imaginary pregnancy symptoms.) I am crying over nothing, my nipples are hurting, and well, I am starting to think that pregnancy might be there. I am way early though, I have until the 5th until I am considered late. That is not stopping me from peeing on cheap dollar tests. One reason is just because I want to know sooner, and the other reason is so that I can get on progesterone so that I don't have to worry so much about the chance of miscarriage. I will still worry, but not as much.

So far the tests have been negative. Not surprising, because it is early. But I will still test again tomorrow.

another month

2011-09-28T11:57:00.001-07:00

Well, its early, but no signs yet.

On top of it all, I am very very angry with my husband, and that isn't helping matters, because the effort needed to create a new life isn't happening.

How do you get someone to stop being a stupid facebook game addict?

Busy week

2011-09-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

So, school started. I started a new job. I was scheduled to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, have Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday off, then work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. This is all in the first payperiod of the new job, so I was happy, good paycheck. Then I realized I had a concert I wanted to go to on Friday. Actually, its a festival, and there were two bands we wanted to see, really really bad.

So, I worked in the lobby cleaning on Friday, which is normal for me, that's what I did last time I worked there. Then on Sunday, they taught me the front counter and taking orders. Which was awesome. I then did lobby on Sunday, and lobby and counter on Monday. On Sunday and Monday, by two different managers, I was asked to work Tuesday and Wednesday. I accepted the extra days, hoping that it would help me in trying to not work on Friday. I put up a note asking to have Friday off, and asking someone to take my shift. Then, also, on Tuesday and Wednesday, they had me work the grill, which I hated, and on Wednesday, I actually got overwhelmed and had a mini meltdown. I left work on Wednesday with still having to work on Friday. On Thursday I was told that the main manager would probably let me have Friday off, and they would call me. On Friday I showed up, because no call had come through. The main manager let me have it off. So, I got to go to the festival.

So, obviously a new attitude towards me at work this time. Last time there was no cross training, I was never asked to take extra shifts, and had I wanted to take a day off that I was supposed to work, not only would I not have been allowed to find someone to take my shift, but they definitely would not have given it to me off without someone covering it. It was for lobby, if it hadn't been, I would not have been just given it off, but still.

We had a blast at the festival. We found another band that we hadn't heard of or seen. The kids passed out by the end of the night. I have anxiety issues with big crowds, so it was a bit rough on me as well, but still very enjoyable. I drank a few glasses of mead, and it made me very tired. All in all, it was fun though. I've included some videos of the bands we listened to.

First Day

2011-09-08T21:48:00.000-07:00

The boychild had his first day of first grade today. I thought I would cry putting him on the bus, but after getting used to it last year with kindergarten, I didn't. He had a great day, and is excited about going back, so that is a good thing. Tomorrow is my first day of work. Today I had orientation, so I didn't get to see the boy get off the bus, and tomorrow I am working until after he gets off the bus, so I miss that too. I should get to see him on Monday, I hope. They have me working 18 hours this weekend, and I think that they try not to have you work more than 3 days in a row. I hope so, because I have the girlchild in a class for a few hours on Monday, so that I could have just some me time. We'll see.

Picture time!!

JOB!!!

2011-09-07T17:49:00.000-07:00

I got the job. I have orientation tomorrow, and I work 18 hours this weekend. Hello extra money.

Zombies!!

2011-09-06T20:12:00.000-07:00

We went crawdadding today. It was a blast. We caught about 52, but we were working with little kiddie nets, not traps, and we were splashing around in a creek.

We brought our catch home and I boiled it in old bay. I brought the big bowl of cooked crawdads out to the living room, with the kids standing in front of me, twisted the first body, and offered it to my three year old. You wanna suck the brains out, I said?? I was planning on grossing the kids out and joking around with them. What I didn't expect was the girlchild to grab that crawdad head and suck like her life depended on it. Not only that, but she begged for more. I couldn't twist bodies fast enough. She kept saying, I wanna suck it. Brains all gone. THe boychild tried one, and was done.

Needless to say, it was interesting. And gross.

CD1

2011-09-06T10:44:00.000-07:00

Ok. Proof positive today that it is not my month.

So. I have my job at the college starting sometime this month, maybe, because I haven't heard from them. It's 15 hours a week, and it's, well, it's not a guaranteed job after the term is over. It's a test position, and I would have to reapply after the term is over. It also doesn't exist if school is not in session. Needless to say, I have decided that this is not enough. I want a holiday season that has NO WORRIES, and I also want to take my family to Wisconsin this summer to visit my husbands birthplace. I moved him to mine, so now I want to see his.

So, what did I do? I begged for an old job back. I had this job last year, I quit last June, as in June 2010. I quit badly, with tears, and crying, and screaming. It was not a good day, to say the least. I told my old boss, yes, it was not my best moment. Background story coming now.

Ok, so I wanted to get a job so that I could make my trip to Disneyland easier. so, last year I applied at the home of the b.ig m.ac. I figured that this would be a pretty easy job. I'm used to office work, which is also easy for me, but this job was in town, which is hard to do, jobs in town are something you luck into, and it was walking distance to my house. Also it would work around my school hours, it was not a Monday-Friday 9-5 job. So, I applies, and I got the job. I was so excited.

My first day came, and I was told that I needed to clean the lobby. No problem I said. I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned. For 4 hours straight. My mom was visiting that weekend, and she brought the kids in to get ice cream. I was sent to the back as soon as it was noticed that I knew these people, and I was doing dishes right away. Problem for me was that I was in a ton of pain, this was during the year of surgeries. I had an anal fissure, sorry, I know, TMI, and I had had it for a year at this point, but we were finally at surgery point for it. I had already had one surgery at this point, that didn't work, so I was in a ton of pain, popping pain pills like they were candy. I had headaches from all the pain pills, so I was on a new medication for that. That medication affected my bipolar medicine, sending me into a huge low. It all combined to me ending my first day in a crying heap. To my manager. Where I cried that I wasn't expecting to come in and clean, haha. Yeah, that went well. My manager informed me that I was hired to only clean, and to deal with it or quit, but I would not learn any other job there. I sucked it up, and showed up for my next day.

Within my first week, my assistant manager had realized I have anxiety issue, and was threatening me and my job if I didn't supply her with xa.nax. I tried letting my manager know, and she told me that I was lying and that I was not to say anything like that again, unless I wanted to lose my job. So, I cleaned. My manager told me to clean the baseboards, the spot between the walls and the floors, in the bathrooms. She handed me a rag and bottle of cleanser. I cleaned. A few months later, I found out that they have a scrubber on a brush for that job. They had me doing it on my hands and knees. I was confused. No one else was told to be on lobby for their entire shift. No one else was told to do the nasty work in even nastier ways. There were some more problems, and I finally reported them to the main office. The head manager got fired.

I got threatened again, told that if I went to the main office again, I would lose my job. By the same asst manager with the xa.nax problem. If I opened my mouth again, I would be fired. So, I cleaned. I would put my requested hours in the book, and the asst manager would put my hours in opposite, making me have to find people to swap shifts with on a weekly basis. Then I had to have another surgery. I got to work front counter for 2 weeks. I was good at it, but only lunch and dinner. The first day I came back and was off my 2 week surgery notice, they put me on breakfast and I didn't know the screens. I got taken off immediately. Side note here, we had a new manager, who I had tried to talk to, but he was still trying to figure out the dynamics, and since the asst manager that hated me had been there for years and years, it was me against her, and who would believe me, the trouble maker? Anyhow, that day, when I was on breakfast, I had come in to work to discover that the time I had requested off for my finals were the only days I was scheduled. No one would work my shifts. I was panicking. I also had a fever of 102, but they had no one to cover my shift, so I was required to work. This was not the first time I was extremely ill and had to work, but this was a really bad time, still in a lot of pain from surgery, and wanting to pass out from fever. They took me off of the front, and told me to scrub down the lobby until it shined. I lost it. I quit. I quit badly.

As I told the manager yesterday, the one I quit to when I quit, I never made it to my finals. I ended up in the hospital 2 days after I quit, with a fever at almost 105. I was in the hospital for 3 days with e-coli.

So, now that I have typed out all that story, well, I talked to him, and he told me to fill out the application online and call him on Wednesday and he would let me know. So, fingers crossed for me. Yes, this would be two jobs and school. Yes, the husband should get a job. He will, when he is done with his degree. Which will be at the end of this year. I am better at multitasking than he is. I can work and go to school. He wouldn't succeed at that. It is better that he watches the kids. I will be in classes at the same time as he will, so there will be no work scheduled when neither of us is available to watch the kids. My very good friend is watching the girlchild while we are in school. It all works.

Oh, and i forgot to mention. I know and like the asst managers there now. The evil one, well, she threatened another manager, in a text message, so it was proveable, over a boy, that worked under her. She got promptly fired. She was uncovered for who she was. I wouldn't be working for her.

I bet, if I get the job, that I am stuck cleaning the lobby again. I am not in all the pain anymore, I had my last surgery in November, with no sign of it coming back. I should be good. I can do anything.

Too Eager

2011-09-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I have been in this game, I have forgotten the little things. Like looking for the pregnancy symptoms before wanting to pee on a stick. I have none. I usually have one, very very prominent one, that happens with every pregnancy. My nipples hurt so bad I want to get rid of them for good. That has not happened, which is a really good way to tell that I just need to wait for my period to show up, and not waste any kind of money on a pregnancy test.

Taking a pregnancy test is one of those things that is very hard to say, no, its not something I need to do. I am working really hard at saying, hey, your body is showing no signs of being pregnant, there is no point. You have 2 days to wait until your period should show up, and then we will start trying again.

School starts for the boychild this week. I've met his teacher, and she seems nice. I have bus anxiety, they give us a bis list, but we have to figure out what bus he is on ourselves, and there are two buses that come to our house, so it really doesn't help. So, we will be outside, asking the bus driver which bus he is to take. Last year he took the wrong bus, which got him to school a whole lot faster than the correct bus, giving him more time for breakfast at school. He gets free breakfast and lunch, and he loves eating there. I have fed him at home, and he still goes and gets breakfast. He was late to class on the days that I took him to school after he had breakfast here, because he went to get breakfast at school. So, I don't even try to feed him here anymore.

My school starts at the end of the month, and I ordered my books yesterday. I get to go pick them up around the 24th. Then I also start my job at the end of this month. I am working in the computer lab at school, helping people who need help with the computers. This will be my first term that I get to work, and I should be working 15 hours a week. I go to class two days a week, and then I take the rest of my classes online. Part of me wishes that the girlchild had a class to go to too, she wants to go to school desperately. I will be trying to get her into a dance class and a music class when our school money comes in.

We get our school money the first week in October, and since we have been very very poor for the last couple of months, bad budgeting, lol, though we did pay all the bills, so it was more that we didn't have a ton of money to just splurge, I asked the boychild what he would like more than anything else. He said fruit loops. I have an odd child. Of course, we don't eat a lot of sugary cereals here, or anything else. He had pie for breakfast this morning, and he actually didn't eat it. Strange children. Of course, if we go out anywhere, and eat, the boychild begs for rootbeer, the girlchild says, I'll have a water. And she eats no carbs.

Anyhow, long post of really nothing to say. Pretty common with me, haha.

POAS

2011-09-04T17:53:00.001-07:00

I want!!!

2WW

2011-09-01T16:15:00.001-07:00

I'm in the 2 week wait. Huh. I didn't realize that until today. I am actually a week into the 2 week wait. I get to test on the 7th. So. Fingers crossed.

Kidney Stones

2011-08-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

Apparently I am a kidney stone producer. I have my third one right now, but this is the one that has actually hurt me and affected me. I am on d.eme.rol right now, and I seriously think that it isn't working. I have to go in a do some lab work on Monday and schedule a CT scan. Fun, fun.

The girl child turns three on Wednesday. Yeah, we had her birthday party way early, it was the way that we were able to have family there. So, Wednesday we are going crabbing, which the kids love, and we're going with my best friend and her family, which we always do, and my other friend, who is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life, which I am loving, since we were best friends from the time I was in 3rd grade with her until I had to move away to another state at the end of 7th grade. We kept in touch sporadically after that, until my.space and then F.B, and she has had a really rough year, losing the love of her life to a car crash and her mother to a sudden heart attack, and I am so grateful to be here to be there for her. Well, she has made my summer a whole lot funner, being a part of it, especially talking me into swimming caddy corner in the local lake to pick blackberries.

Yeah, blackberries. I don't remember if I posted this, but my favorite parts of summer is the lake, and fresh blackberries, I hate frozen ones, even though by the time my story is over, I ended up with a ton of blackberries in my freezer on my good cookie sheet. So, going and swimming the lake until I was able to get to the blackberries no one picked because you had to swim there to get them, was awesome. We put a bucket on a flotation lounge raft, and picked berries until it was full. I am going to make sure to go to the lake one more time, next week, since then school starts, ACK!!

School. I cannot believe the boychild is in 1st grade. I know I've posted that before, but I have no clue how to deal with it. I've been looking at old pictures and videos, and I am just dying, he was so cute when he was a baby.

Ok, I've lost my train of thought, now I am off to lay down and watch trash tv. Yesterday I watched My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding all day. Gotta love marathons when you are sick.

As an end, here is my kids, recording a video for their gramma, being crazy. It's 12 minutes and both funny and annoying.

I feel alone

2011-08-23T21:52:00.000-07:00

I had a great idea, to buy diapers and unisex clothes, when I get my school money. We get money only at the beginning of each term, so if I bought things when we had our first influx of money, I could stock up and have things ready when I got pregnant and had a baby. This way I wouldn't have to worry about not having things, and I wouldn't feel like I was depending on others for my baby stuff. I told my mom this, she who complains the most about buying baby clothes and diapers, and yet when I am not around, she spends hundreds on her grandkids, because she loves dressing them. She shot me down, hard. She told me that I was jinxing myself, buying stuff early, before I even got pregnant, making sure that I would either not get pregnant or I would miscarry. No support there. She supports me trying to get pregnant, trying to build my family. I understand her fear, she actually feels so superstitious of buying stuff because she bought an outfit for the pregnancy before the boychild, on Mother's Day, all excited that she was the first person to buy the baby an outfit, feeling safe because we had had 2 ultrasounds with a live baby, with a heartbeat, and the doctor told me that he was positive he would be delivering a baby. I miscarried June 8th of that year. She is sure that she jinxed it by buying clothes. She didn't buy clothes for the boychild or the girlchild until I was in the 3rd trimester, and told me I wasn't allowed to either.

My husband. He is sure that our family is complete. He says that while he has no problem with me trying to get pregnant, he doesn't think it will happen. He says that he is pretty sure that I will not have another successful pregnancy. He has told other people this as well. I'm not to worried about this, actually, because he is always making comments like this. When we got married, he was sure we would be together forever. He told me that he could see us as a cute old couple, rocking in rocking chairs on the porch. When I found out about the other woman, he told me that he always knew we wouldn't be together forever, that he just never wanted to tell me, and that he knew that this woman was his life, she was his soulmate, he had never known anyone he connected with more. That he knew he was going to be with her forever, and even though they were both married, him to me, and her to her husband, that they were going to work around it, they would both get divorced, and they would be together forever. He just knew it. Then when we got divorced, and she ended it, because she didn't want to get divorced, she wanted to keep her family together, and he came back, crawling, wanting to work things out, he told me he knew almost right away after I found out about her that it wouldn't work with her, but he was too embarrassed to come back to me then, blah blah blah, which I didn't believe, because he only came back to me after she left him, almost a year later. Yeah, I know, this story does not make sense for why I am back with him. Trust me, if you don't remember, or didn't hear the story, I didn't take him back until after Ciera had been born, and even then, it was the January after she had been born. I didn't just get pregnant with a big fat oops and say, oh well, I'll just let go of everything he ever did, I made him work for it, I made him prove himself. But, the point of this is that he may say he doesn't see me getting pregnant, he doesn't see our family as growing, but since he is not keeping his sperm away from my eggs, and he doesn't have a good track record for "what he sees" in his or our future, I don't set much by him.

This leaves my best friend. Who is positive that I will get pregnant easily, and that there will be no problems with it, because I have had 2 children now. It is nice to at least have one person in my life in my corner.

I hope to prove the husband and my mom wrong. I am not ready to be done. I am not done growing my family.

3

2011-08-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

My daughter turns three this month. We had her party on Saturday, the 20th, but her actual birthday is on the 31st. It will be the 4th anniversary of my divorce. We still aren't getting remarried. We've talked about it, but right now, we just use the titles. It gets a little confusing calling him my ex husband and then trying to explain to people that we are back together.

Let me try to explain. When people ask about us, and we have to say we are divorced, people instantly figure we are just living together for the kids. We then have to explain that we are still in love, we still love each other, being together, we just, well, got divorced. between the cost of the wedding, and the cost of the divorce, doing it again isn't really cost effective. Also, right now, going to school, not being married gets me better money. Which is important. Also, I don't know if we were to get married again, if it wouldn't end in failure. We've been together 11 years. We got married in 2002. We got divorced in 2007. So, together 2000, married 2002, divorced 2007, now is 2011. That means we were married still longer than we have been divorced. Ok, I'm good with that.

That was a bunch of nothing. Sigh. Ok, I will post pictures of the birthday girl then. Most of my readers were around back when I suffered from my miscarriages, from before the boychild. I think. Back then, I was blogging at Broken or Not. If you remember me from then, woohoo for you, its been a while, and thanks for sticking by me. If you are new, well, I had multiple miscarriages before I got pregnant with the boychild. I started blogging after I had my last miscarriage, so I actually had no losses once I started writing. I got lucky. Then I got divorced. And then I got pregnant, oops, with my daughter. She turns 3, as I mentioned above. So, pictures. We had the party at the local pool, but we rented it for 3 hours, so it was just our family.

She loves posing, but it has to be a funny face.

This is her new smile. You can also tell the other kids were way excited about not being allowed into the pool before pictures were taken. We rented the pool for 3 hours for her birthday. I tell you what, this is the best way to do a birthday party. Rent a pool so that only your family and friends can be there, and then have a BBQ at your house afterwards.

This was her birthday cake. My best friend did the decorating. Thank you!!

The boychild. He is 6. I don't know how that happened. He is going into 1st grade next month. yes, I am going to cry, just like I did when he went into Kindergarten.

Remember, I am sick with the stomach flu, there is a reason this is a totally jumbled post.

Stomach flu

2011-08-22T12:26:00.001-07:00

It's interesting, how when you are trying to get pregnant, you watch everything. I am just in my ovulation phase right now, but I got the stomach flu, and immediately my mind wanders to morning sickness. I haven't even entered the 2 week wait right yet.

yeah, I am not going to be fun this time around. I am way to anxious.

Before and After

2011-08-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

When I first found myself not staying pregnant, becoming a person who wasn't going to be a mom easily, I really found myself wanting to be a mom. It consumed me, the need to be pregnant, to stay pregnant, to give birth to a little baby. I noticed other moms and got jealous. I watched other bloggers, and got jealous. Then I got pregnant. And it stuck. And I had the joy of feeling movement, the joy of giving birth. And then I did it again.

Now, I find that I am actually more eager now to get pregnant, because now I have memories of what being pregnant is, of how it feels. And instead of having something to imagine that I had never felt, now I had something real, something I knew. So now, with all the other bits about getting pregnant, will it work, will it stick, I find myself more than ready to feel a baby inside of me, to give birth.

It may sound strange, but knowing it, it now makes the want even worse.

2 times, 1 month

2011-08-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

So, since having my IUD out less than a month ago, I have bled twice. how in the heck am I supposed to figure out timing if I can't figure out my cycle??

One of my neighbors just had her baby, I got to hold it the other day. I sniffed its head. That is still counted as a fertility treatment, right?

My best friends niece is about 22 weeks pregnant. She is moving into my apartment complex.

Her other niece just announced her pregnancy. One is 18 one is 16-17. The youngest one is married. I am jealous. Yup. Very.

One of my kind of friends that moved away and its kind of awkward but we stay friends on FB, she just announced her pregnancy. She had her first U/S today, she is almost 9 weeks. She saw the heartbeat.

I know. I just started trying. I really can't expect anything for a while. I have this utter impatience though. I want it, and I want it now. Even if I am afraid. The last time I "tried" was after lots of losses and tries. Yeah, I had sissy after that, with no trying, kind of more of an oops, and it went ok, but I still remember the other times.

Oh, and my old high school boyfriend got engaged yesterday. Yay him. Yeah, except I am waiting for it to end. This is his second marriage, and like last time, it is a marriage after knowing each other for 3 months, with a woman who is insanely jealous. She knows me and him talk, but to her, I am just an old high school friend that he barely knew. She doesn't know we talk everyday on FB, chatting off and on most of the day, that I was his high school sweetheart, that most of the music he listens to comes from me, that a lot of his little quirks can be attributed to me(its interesting what you find out talking to someone after so long) and that I took his virginity. Yeah. Like I said, high school sweetheart. He keeps stuff from our relationship in a locked box. Yes, my husband knows we talk. Yes, he reads the chats when he wants to. Yes I know its odd.

Anyhow. Pregnancy is all around me, now I just want it to hurry up and be me.

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

2011-08-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

I'm still waiting to see what my body plans on doing. We are almost 3 weeks out from having the IUD removed. A week after it was removed, I started bleeding, and it was a combination of old and new. With it came the intense nipple pain that I only get at that time if the month, or if I was pregnant. Pretty sure it wasn't pregnancy, since I had just had the IUD out, and when the bleeding stopped, so did the sensitivity.

Fast forward to this week. Again, I am bleeding, as of today, and it is bright red. The husband and I had a bit more of a night last night, I know, TMI, but I am wondering if the extra loving didn't shake something up and make me bleed more? Or if my body is still trying to figure out what I did to it. I am waiting for the 1 month mark so I can cross it off and then I will have only two more months to get pregnant before we bring out the Cl.omid.

I wish my body was easier to read this time around. Almost 4 years without my monthly cycle makes me forget what having one is like, and how to keep track of the dang thing.

In Seattle

2011-08-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

I realized that I need to go back to my roots, and not just post here when I have something to talk about fertility related. I remember back when I started blogging, and I blogged everything. So, this is going to be my journey to become a mom, again, plus my life in general.

We are in Seattle right now for SeaFair. The husband loves going, I hate it. Every year that we come up here to go, I get out of it by saying that he needs to just have some one on one time with the boychild. This year, the girlchild is old enough to go, and so now we are all going. I haven't gone since before my gastric bypass, so that is saying alot. It's been 8 years.

As usual when I come to town, I threw out a hey we're in town, you wanna see the kids to my inlaws. And again, it turned into a big nasty argument. Essentially I asked, hey, wanna get together, they snarked about me quite a bit in the response, I posted on FB that I hate my inlaws, who actually have me blocked on FB, so it should be a safe place for me to vent about them. Anyhow, the next day, we finalized plans to meet up, and as soon as I sent the message saying see you tomorrow, my SIL sent me a huge hate filled letter letting me know we weren't welcome, due to my email to her, and my FB posting (my settings apparently weren't private enough, they made a fake account to scour my page). My letter to her wasn't that bad, it said plain and simple that we may not like each other, but we need to keep the grudgeholding to our selves and put the kids first. So, my BIL opened his house to us, we went and brought lunch and he got to see the kids. He was visiting with my SIL when he said he was letting us come by, and she kicked him out of her house. My MIL showed up, but only for 10 minutes, and she kept throwing verbal attacks at us, and also let us know that she was taking precious time out of her busy schedule to see the kids. Yeah, I am done making the effort. The only reason I made such an effort this time was we were already going to be in the area. I did push out the fact, in person and in emails, that we were trying for another baby, so that they wouldn't be surprised.

So, that has been my only negative in this whole trip. Today we go to SeaFair, and enjoy ourselves. I will have pictures later.

Much love.

Say no to old flames

2011-07-27T11:34:00.000-07:00

First - I'm going to start with the pregnancy stuff. I got the IUD taken out a week ago, today I am spotting red blood and my nipples are killing me. I'm thinking that will make today CD1, and that I should be having a full blown period soon. I can hope, because then I get to start having a timeline. A timeline is good. It will save me money peeing on sticks.

Second. When they say don't make friends with old flames on social meadia, listen. I have been talking to my high school sweetheart, and while we are both in serious serious relationships, me being with the husband, him planning on marrying the girl he's with now, the memories, they feel good. The problem comes when what ifs get asked.

We have a lot of what ifs. We met again when the husband and I got divorced. And the sexual spark was there. He had just started a relationship with someone and we didn't act on it. He has told me that he never saw me again after that day because he would have acted on it. Trust me when I say we are not meeting up anytime soon.

I have never had the urge to misbehave in my marriage. So a what if in my mind is almost as bad as being somewhat emotionally unfaithful. And yet, I can't stop myself from talking to him. It's enjoyable.

It would have been easier just to never have talked at all.

Assvise

2011-07-22T09:59:00.001-07:00

Doctor prescribed me Reg.lan for my headaches and nausea because it is safe for pregnancy. Anyone taken it, heard about it, have any stories about it? Recommendations?

All systems go

2011-07-21T18:36:00.000-07:00

The IUD is out. I talked to the doctor and he is fabulous. He knows about my previous losses and he is cool with just prescribing the progesterone, and he is cool with using the compound suppository, which is what I wanted.

He talked to me about going off my medications, and he said that the serequel, if my bipolar goes out of control going off of it, that I can go back on it and not hurt the baby. Everything else needs to be weaned off.

If I am not pregnant in three months, he will put me on Clo.mid. He knows that I have PCOS.

I am to up my folic acid, and continue to take my prenatals.

He was in and out of my business right away, and we talked about my trip to Disneyland the whole time, and I didn't even really notice when he took the IUD out, it hurt, like a pinch, but I was paying attention to other things so I wasn't tensed up.

I think that this doctor will be a good choice. After all my bad doctor experiences, I went with my best friends OB and he delivered all three of her kids and she loved him. I loved the fact that I pretty much laid out my plan off attack for getting pregnant, and he agreed with it, and he went right into my concerns about ovulation, even though they may be completely unfounded. I haven't had a period since the month before I got pregnant with the girl, but I have also had the M.irena IUD. They said they aren't sure when my period will come back.

So, now it's just a matter of getting to it and waiting.

This week

2011-07-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

It's a busy week here. Tomorrow I have my bladder scan, yay. I get to find out if anything serious is wrong in there. I'll probably be put on antibiotics too, since I think I already have another infection, boo.

Then Wednesday is my iron transfusion. Normally this happens on Saturdays, but this Saturday I sat outside in the rain watching a parade. It never rains on the third weekend in July, this was rare, and it sucked.

Thursday I get to go in, have a pap smear, get my IUD yanked, talk about progesterone supplementation, and maybe even talk about what to do if I have trouble conceiving. Yes, my daughter was conceived with just one bang, since it was the only time we banged that month, being as how we are/were divorced, and I really at that time had no intention of banging, it just, well, happened. May we get that lucky, that it is that easy this time.

Friday we will hopefully be camping.

I don't know if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but I got a job. I will be doing Software IT for the branch of our local community college here in town. The main campus is 30 minutes away, I get to work at the satellite campus in the town I live in. It starts in September, and is only 18 hours a week, but its perfect for me.

I am staying caught up on my homework, except for my accounting class, where we had a test that no one was able to take, because it wouldn't open at home and said that the home computer was not a valid testing site, and since the teacher never said we had to go to campus to take our tests, most of us just wrote him and hoped for the best. He didn't respond to anyone and now the midterm is closed. If I don't pass because of this, I will be complaining above his head.

So. Like I said, busy week. Then we have a weekend to play with, and then my honey has to go get his hemorrhoids banded. I'll feel sorry for him, a little bit, simply because I know what it feels like to have your bottom hurt. I spent 2 years with extreme take a lot of pain pills pain due to bottom issues, and finally surgery fixed it. But, his surgery means that our summer has no choice but to take a break until he heals. good thing we have a kiddie pool to swim in, because I doubt we are going to the lake.

Enjoy your week. I'll be updating after my appointments.

My bladder

2011-07-11T21:53:00.000-07:00

(Warning, talks about bladder health and at the last paragraph, anal fissures and fistulas. Not graphically, but it is there.)

So, every month, like clockwork, I get an infection. It either goes to my kidneys or my bladder, and last year I was hospitalized because of it. E-coli. Dreaded nasty virus that seems to really like living in me.

So, I went to a urologist. And from them, I found out a few things. One, I do not keep the infection, I seem to actually get rid of it after every round of antibiotics. This is a good and bad thing. It's a good thing, because they won't want to keep me on low grade antibiotics all the time. I still end up on antibiotics every month, but we're working on finding out the cause.

So, the bad news. I could have an inflamed bladder that is sick and likes to have infections. Or, I could have a bladder that is collapsing onto my uterus or vagina. Which means surgery. I have the testing done to find out if it's either of those problems on the 19th. If its a collapsed bladder, then I will put off surgery until after I have a child. I have looked it up, and if that is what it is, then they may have to push the uterus up several times until about 18 weeks, when the baby is big enough to stop falling through the pelvic cavity. I think that's what I read, anyhow. Essentially, it was make sure your dr knows, and that surgery before pregnancy usually means you have to have it again, because pregnancy and labor are a big part of causing it.

If my bladder is infected, I don't know what they are going to do, and I may have to put off my IUD removal plans, though I made the appointment anyhow. They will be putting a camera through my urethra and into my bladder. That will not be a fun experience, I tell you what. I should be used to this from the testing before I had Aiden, but I am tired of having things poked at me. After last year, and the four surgeries I had on my hiney, I am ready for a bit of normalcy.

So, that's my big thing for week after this. Hopefully all goes well with the bladder exam, the urologist says go for it pregnancy wise, and then on the 21st, the IUD gets removed. Of course, I don't know how much of a chance that I will have of getting pregnant anytime after that, as the male part of my pregnancy plans is having his hemorrhoids banded on the 26th. After 2 anal fissures and 1 anal fistula that caused me to have a drainage tube down there for three months and then the surgery to take it out and sew everything up, I do not feel sorry for him. Well, not much.

About

2011-07-09T15:51:00.000-07:00

My son is 6 now. My daughter will be 3 at the end of August. My son is all boy. He loves to fight and play rough and wants to do karate. My daughter is all girl. Her favorite color is pink, she loves dresses and tutus and she takes care of her baby all the time.

Why do I want one more? I've always wanted three. Before I found out that having children wasn't going to be as easy as I expected, I wanted as many as I could have and afford. Then, as the years went by, and the miscarriages kept happening, I realized that that was not going to happen. When I had my son, I was not in a good place financially. When I had my daughter, it was worse. Now, I am in school, their dad is in school, and while life isn't easy, and we are stressed about money on occasion, it is better than it was, and we will be done with school after next year. I would rather go through a pregnancy while I am still in school than risk getting a job and losing it. I went to work while I was pregnant with my daughter, and I ended up on bedrest, partially due to the job. I don't want to put that stress on another pregnancy. So, this is the best time for me. Also, there is no guarantee that I can even get and stay pregnant.

I want one more.

July 21st

2011-07-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

On July 21st, I will be having my IUD removed. Then, I will be trying for baby #3. We will find out if I have to ride the infertility roller coaster again, or not.

I'm also curious if it has been long enough from posting here that I will have lost the people who didn't support me. I know I have lost a lot of those who do support me.

I am hoping to reuse this space, so that I can have a clean slate. There are some people in my life that followed me to the other blogs that I don't want to have reading here, and I don't think they know this address.

So, I am going to attempt to make this my new home, and it will be back to looking for the 2ww, avoiding miscarriages if I can, and hopefully by the end of summer, this will be a pregnancy blog. Fingers crossed.

I'm glad to be back.

2009-06-29T10:01:00.001-07:00

It's all empty. Leave a comment with a way for me to get a hold of you if you wonder why or want to follow me to where I moved. Hopefully troll free, at least for now.